How Do I Go On?

It was 15 weeks ago today I lost the one and only love of my life.  Sometimes the pain of the loss is so overwhelming and I feel as if I am drowning in a pain that I can't heal. I pray constantly for strength to get me through this loss.

Sleep evades me.  I keep busy throughout the day but when night comes, the overwhelming loneliness hits me like a ton of bricks.  Although I have our cats and dogs for company, they can't compare to Ray.  I miss talking to him, the touches, the shared laughter, the hugs, the "I love You," the discussing events going on in the world, etc.  I've been buying books on Heaven, Angels, Grief, Mourning, etc.  They have helped. 

Last week, the bench and military marker were placed on his grave.  I had been taking fresh flowers up 1-2 times a week, but I know Ray is with me wherever I am.  I have been buying silk flowers for his grave and his mother's as well. 

I've gone through our pictures and tonight hung a bunch more in the house.  I am so afraid I will forget what his voice sounds like, what his touches felt like and that scares me.  I don't want to lose my memories of him.

He used to tell me we grew up together although he was 10 years older than me.  We never had children, just each other and our pets.  He helped me through some very difficult times in my life just as I helped him through his. 

I've started rereading the New Testament again.  I learn something new each time I read it.

Last week, I felt anger.  Anger that our time together was far too short.  We had about 38 1/2 years together, but it now seems so short.  I have guilt that I am here while he is gone.  I feel guilt in spending the money he had put away for me when he passed.  I feel so empty without him.  I know that all these emotions are wreaking havoc on my rheumatoid arthritis which is not good.  I have always internalized things but Ray would always get me to open up and talk to him.  Now, I just keep it inside.  Things I found joy in eludes me.  Am I angry with him?  No.  I saw him suffering when he could not breathe when walking a short distance.  Am I angry with God? No.  He answered my prayers when I asked that He allow Ray to die peacefully at home.  I feel guilty that I had those prayers but I wanted Ray to die the way he wanted, not in a hospital hooked to tubes and wires.  The coroner told me that Ray died peacefully while sleeping.  The paramedics told me I honored Ray in allowing him to die at home with dignity.  That gives me comfort. 

One of the hardest things are the new feelings.  The vulnerability, insecurity, feeling like I am going crazy.  I feel exposed.  I check my doors several times before I go to bed to be sure they are locked.  I misplace things and spend 30-60 minutes looking for the items.  I have to make notes to myself each night for what I need to do the next day.  It seems like my memory left me when I lost Ray.  Pathetic, isn't it?

I feel so alone.  I am not close to his family.  I made the mistake of allowing one of his brothers to help me in hanging smoke alarms and extinguishers.  By the time he left, I was in turmoil.  He had made some disparaging noises and remarks about Ray that took me 3 days to get over.  I was so angry and hurt.  Three days after Ray had died, this brother asked me what my life goals were?  At that time, I was just barely making it day to day.  Had I had my car at the restaurant, I would've gotten up and driven away.  Since then, I won't answer his calls.  I am afraid I will say some things that could create more issues in the family so I would rather just keep distance. His other brother told me I was welcome at their home, but, when I am with that family I feel so lonely.  Is something wrong with me? 

Will I ever feel normal again?  Will this pain ever ease?  Will life get easier?  So many questions and so much pain.  I was not prepared for this part of our marriage.  I had just presumed we would grow old together.  I feel I have aged 10 years or more since he passed. 

I know I am not incapable.  I have taken care of things we talked about getting done. I had the lights replaced in the bathrooms, the floors replaced in the bathrooms and kitchen, walls painted in the living & dining rooms, and kitchen.  I got his motorcyle and pickup sold back to the dealers.  It's just that during the day I can keep busy.  I've planted over 60 containers with flowers, tomatoes, strawberries, etc but when evening hits, the overwhelming loneliness hits and when it does, the vulnerability comes in.  Is this normal?   

I will play a song I like or one we liked over and over and over and over.........for hours at a time.  Is that normal?

The loss of my husband is the worst thing I have ever endured.  I am dreading the month of July.  That is his birthday and our anniversary month.  I know I will get balloons and release them on those days as well as next month on Husband's Day. (Since we had no children, we celebrated Mother and Father's Day as Wife & Husband's Day).  I bought cards for Valentines and Easter and then read them out loud on those days, knowing he would hear me.  I most likely will on Husband's Day, his birthday and our anniversary.  Is that normal?

On Wife's Day, I bought a Nativity Scene.  Ray would always tell me, if you see something you really like, get it.  Don't wait because it'll be gone when you go back to get it.  Well, I was going to get it on my birthday in Sep.  However, after grocery shopping with my neighbor, I was putting things away when I heard this voice say go and get the Nativity.  I know it was Ray.  He always got me something on Wife's Day and I think that was him telling me to get it as his gift.  Is that normal?

What is normal when you lose your loved one?