How do I move forward | The Grief Toolbox

How do I move forward without guilt?

Taking into account all that we have built!

Alone, confused, conflicted!

That’s how I feel everyday, my brain is twisted!

My thoughts are in competition with my heart to see which can form the most knots.

Move forward?

How can I do that without you?

I look at our babies and see you in their eyes and it breaks my heart knowing that they only want you when they cry!

I can’t make it better, change things, give you back to them in any way!

What exactly am I supposed to say when they look at me with tear streaked cheeks, with your eyes searching so deep and ask me….

Why?

I don’t have answers!

They don’t want scientific medical findings from an autopsy report on a piece of paper!

The one that I tucked safely away until I can bear to process the information!

They want to know why you?

Why their Daddy?

Why do WE have to be in this situation?

How do I get them through their grief when I haven’t even figured out how to process my own?

All I can do is my best to see them through and ensure that they’re happy and healthy when they’re grown!

For every step forward I take, I feel knocked back so many I wanna break!

I’ve taken one chance so far, turned out he was fake!

I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t process all the thoughts and feelings and emotions!

How do I let go of all the plans and promises we made, the silly stupid games we played?

Some say I should be over it!

Like there’s some magical book on it!

They have no idea the depth of the pain that rips my soul to shreds every minute since you went away!!!!

I’m tired, exhausted, drained and defeated.

But I’ll continue to fake it until I make it because I know... that regardless of all that people say, we’ll be reunited one sweet day!

About the Author

My name is Kristie Hardy. I am 32 years old and I became a widow and solo mommy to three beautiful children on May 26,2015 when my husband and the love of my life passed away unexpectedly in his sleep. I write quite a bit to try to cope and process everything and once in a while I get brave enough to share. See, I started dating my husband when I was 17 and we were together from then on so I am having to find my identity all over again. I have learned to take one very scary tentative step at a time, even when I may falter 10 steps back. I am proud of myself as long as I know I am doing my best and striving for happiness for our children. Our children are my reason for breathing they are currently 9(girl and 8 at the time of his passing), 6(girl and 5 at the time of his passing) and almost 2(boy and he was 2 days shy of 6months old at the time of his passing). My biggest goal and priority is to lead them by example and give them the understanding that while it is ok to miss him and be sad and cry, that it is also ok to smile and be happy and celebrate all of the amazing memories that we were able to make with him. I try to live by the belief that helping others is healing for the soul. I really hope that any writing that I share is able to touch another's heart and possibly even help even one person.

I'm Grieving, Now What?

Comments

User login