How come the world doesn't stop?

Coping with sudden death

The phone call and knock on the door

I remember the exact place when we received the phone calls and knocks on the door. The tone of voice, each word changed our lives forever; “I have very bad news and I’m sorry to tell you Karen was killed in an accident this evening. David died of a massive heart attack earlier to-day, Liam was found died this morning, they think it was a massive heart attack. There’s been an accident and John was killed. I’ve bad news for you Josephine was found in the woods, she has committed suicide.  David committed suicide”.  The list goes on and on. Those words suspended in time and etched in our minds forever.

Loosing a loved one as a result of sudden death is one of the most difficult and devastating experiences that a family will go through. The shock, confusion, disbelief and trauma sudden death brings is numbing, overwhelming and very difficult to cope with for the following reasons:

A last goodbye

When a loved one is ill, death is expected.  I remember when my father and aunt were diagnosed with cancer, my grieving began the minute we were told that they had cancer, even though doctors were optimistic and treatment was an option. Both did not survive even with treatment, that was over twenty years ago and treatments were not as successful as they are to-day.

Although you will go through all of the same emotions of loss and pain, when someone is ill, you do have an opportunity to say goodbye. When a sudden death happens, that goodbye and opportunity to say; “I love you”, is stolen from you leaving behind additional emotions including anger, anguish, possible regret and disbelief.  It is normal to retrace your last conversation, what you talked about, your exact last words with them but there is no last goodbye.

The Questions

If you have experienced a loss as a result of sudden death you may experience a multitude of feelings and emotions as you search for answers; why? and how? How could God let this happen? You may find yourself questioning your faith.  You question yourself, did they know how much you loved them? You search to remember the last time you told them you loved them retracing every word.  There are so many unanswered questions, emotions and the level of despair is overwhelming.

Depending on the circumstances the family will need to have all of their questions answered to help them to come to terms with the death and move to the grieving stages of the loss. Most of us want to know that the death was painless that they haven’t suffered, if they were on their own, if there were any last words etc.

Guilt

It is common to feel a number of emotions after a sudden death, guilt is one of the most common emotions experienced and a self punishment that can really hamper the grieving process e.g. why didn’t I make him/her go to the doctor, why did I give him/her my car, why didn’t I see that he/she was depressed, why didn’t I do more…… Why am I still here, I have lived a long life, it should have been me. Why did God do this to him/her and me.

The nightmare

Accepting a sudden death is difficult for our brain to compute, you feel that you are experiencing a bad nightmare and you will awaken from sleep believing that it is just that until reality kicks in.  I remember awakening and thinking, oh thank God, I was only dreaming, only to realize that I wasn’t, it was real and the feelings of loss consume you once again.  This experience is natural and normal as your brain makes sense of the loss.

Will I ever get over my loss?

Most people who have experienced the trauma of a sudden death would say that they never get over the loss, and again, this is normal and natural.  You will learn to cope and eventually live with the loss.  It is important to help yourself by seeking support from trained counselors/grief coaches, speak to people who have experienced a similar loss, attend bereavement support groups, they can help support you. Although everyone’s experience and how they cope with loss is different, there are similarities in terms of feelings and coping mechanism that can be shared.  Knowing what to expect as you start the grieving process can be extremely useful as you try and make sense of the roller-coaster of emotions and feelings that will overwhelm you.

What do I do now?

Talking to someone is very important in helping you come to terms with the sudden loss which is very traumatic, life as you know it has been changed forever and speaking to someone is essential as you try and cope with your loss.  There are many organizations that offer counseling and support specific to a cause of death.