How do you get through this thing called grief?

 I was you July 30, 2013.   I know what you are feeling, and I am so sorry for your loss.  There are so many things that go through your mind when your child dies.  Mainly, disbelief at first.  You are not to outlive your child.  Your child is to bury you, not the other way around.  You will become numb.  You will go on auto pilot and just go through motions.  You will go through a lot of tissues.  You will hear a lot of things from people.  

Remember, death brings out the best and worst in people.  And just because it is your child that died, it does not change that.  People will try to take advantage of  you because you are at your weakest now.  Don't make any decisions right now at all.  You really, truly do not know anything about anything right now because your heart is shattered.  So after going through this experience, which was the worst thing that can happen to anyone, I do have some things to try and help you get through this. 
First, it was not your fault.  Read that again...IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.  

No matter how your child died, nothing you could have done could prevent this.  I blamed myself and had some guilt.  My daughter died of accidental alcohol poisoning after being clean for two years.  It took me a long time to realize that this was not my fault.  I loved my daughter tremendously, just as you have loved your child.  As parents, we all go through that.  That is a normal reaction to a horrific action.  No matter the cause of death of your son or daughter, just know that they knew you loved them, cared for them, and it was not your fault.  As a mother, I think I was sad at the fact that I could not be there when my daughter died.  I could not let her know that it would be OK and not to be afraid.  I could not protect her or help her at that moment.  I could not hold her, comfort her and let her know that that I would be OK.  Just like when our children were little and we had to help them with all those transitions that each child makes, I could not help with this one.  I believe that is normal to feel that.

It is OK to cry.  And cry you will.  You will cry at the smallest thing.  That is normal.  I have said that my tears were just my heart leaking love out.  There are going to be a lot of them.  Just as you have loved your child, you will cry that much more.  It is OK.  You will cry  in the strangest places.  You will hear a song, go somewhere that you both have visited, smell a smell, look at a picture and it will start all over...the tears.  The unending stream of love.  

Let them out.  I broke down Christmas shopping in the K Mart.  I felt stupid and embarrassed but, I cried.  I cried checking out at the grocery store when I saw her favorite candy bar...I let them out.  If people ask you and YOU feel comfortable, tell them why you are crying.  Me?  At the time in the grocery store I was so tired of telling the people who looked at me strangely why I was crying.  So, I piped up with "your low prices are just really touching me."  The cashier laughed at that response..and that is what I needed..to laugh.  At that moment.  At that time. 

Did I mention you will hate God too?  I did...I yelled at God, bargained with God, cursed God.  God knows you don't mean it.  God probably expects you to do that to Him.  After all, He called your most beloved and treasured gift home.  You were not ready for that.  There were things that you were not done with.  You were not done with loving your son or daughter.  You were not done laughing with them, talking with them, being with them.  You did not get to attend their weddings, the births of their children, their graduations...you simply were not done.  It is at this point that you must remember that God is holding you closer than He ever will in your life.  He too knows the pain of loosing a child...It is OK.  He knows you did not mean it.  In time, you will become closer to Him and rely on Him more than ever to get you through the days and nights. 

Then there are the remarks that people will make.  I think the worst thing you can say to a parent who lost a child is "I know how you feel" when in fact, you know that person does not.  See, the death of a child is like no other loss or death a person will experience.  It is much different than loosing a parent, grand parent, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend or sibling.  It cuts much deeper.  Not to say that we parents are more special and deserve more kind words or some kind of trophy here, but it IS different.  See, a piece of you died the day your son or daughter died.  Your past and future came together right at that moment.  All your dreams, hopes and tomorrows along with all your yesterdays are gone now.  The pictures in your albums, the videos, the little drawings made by your son or daughter that you kept...all now are eerily different.  There is not a live body to go with those pictures.  Just memories now.  To this day, I still can't find a word in the English language to describe this feeling that is with us now...for eternity.  Just remember, people do feel for you, they just don't have the right words either. 

The first year is the hardest.  You will have holidays and birthdays without your child.  How do you celebrate or find joy in them now?  Do you set the table at Thanksgiving as you usually do?  Do you buy presents as you normally would have?  Do you bake a birthday cake now?  Each holiday is a reminder of what you have lost.  When you look at your family, you are also looking at a wide gaping hole at what is missing.  It IS hard to find joy now.  It IS hard to sing carols.  It IS hard to say prayers and state what you are thankful for now.  It IS hard to pick out presents.  It IS hard to wake on your daughter's birthday and NOT call them or bake for them or send a card.  Again, you are reminded of what is lost.  And then, slowly, ever so slowly, the anniversary of their death creeps up on you.  Now what?  You will probably relive what happened again that day..and that is OK too.  But guess what has also happened on that day...the anniversary of your child's death?  You got through the toughest year of your life!  You are still standing... You made it.  You have proven to yourself that life can go on.  Remember you asking yourself "how can I go on now" on that day?  You did...and you will. 

You need to take care of yourself.  Sleep when you can, eat what you feel like eating.  Cry when you need to.  Scream if needed.  Shut your phone off and just be by yourself if you feel like it.  Be gentle with yourself.   Talk about your son or daughter..and talk TO them.  Write letters to them.  Start a journal about how you feel.  Your heart is healing.  There is no set amount of days for your grief.  Everyone does it differently.  The timeline is different for each of us.  Don't feel guilty when you start to laugh..and you will again.  Trust me on that!  Soon, the memories that made you cry will bring you peace...and laughter.  Soon the broken pieces of you will glue themselves back together.  It will be slow, but it will happen.  The darkness will fade and you will once again be in the light.  When that happens remember one thing...you are now a new person.  You are not the same as before.  You are stronger.  You love more deeply.  Things mean more to you now than ever.  You feel things stronger than ever.   You laugh hardier now and your tears you will cry come from your soul.  You understand the value of life..something that others may not.  You have been given a gift in all this sadness.  Use it well.  God bless each and every one of you.  

Love, Krystle's mom.