I Didn't Know

I didn't know.

There are so many things I didn't know four years ago. Would knowing them have changed my life, probably not, because let's face it, you don't really *know* anything until it happens to you.

I didn't know that the hug and kiss as I rushed out the door would be the last one, ever. I didn't know that the compliment I affectionately laughed off as being because he couldn't find his glasses would be the last one I ever received. I didn't know that the angry voicemail I heard would be the final one left. I didn't know that the conversation in response to it would produce the apology I had needed to hear for months or that it would bring such comfort in the weeks to follow. I didn't know that as I worked in a windowless room with snooze inducing music playing, he spent the day laughing with our kids, enjoying their company.

I didn't know that a heart could feel like it was shattered beyond repair and bear no outward sign of distress. I didn't know that eyes could cry so many tears and still manage to produce more. I didn't know there was a pain so deep that no pharmaceutical intervention was possible. I didn't know that silent presence was more comforting than words from the mouths of people who wouldn't follow through.

I didn't know that when it all looks dark, it can and does get darker. I didn't know that the darkness changes you at the core of who you are. I didn't know that when a loss like this happens, you doubt everything around you. I didn't know that it was possible to be confused and forgetful and scared and shaken, concurrently. I didn't know that it was possible to see pity in another person's posture when they look at you and to feel even smaller when it happens. I didn't know that people truly would act as if grief was contagious. I didn't know that it cut like a knife to have people ignore his existence just to avoid even the potential for tears. I didn't know that when a loved one dies, you lose your "friends".

I didn't know where my rock was. I didn't know that you can build anew on an old foundation. I didn't know that broken wasn't irreparable. I didn't know that rebuilt could be functional. I didn't know that compassion grows in the scars. I didn't know that vision is altered when tears wash away the inconsequential. I didn't know that the things I believed *really* matter, just don't. I didn't know that "better" was to be replaced with "different".

I didn't know that there would be a time when I could breathe without guilt simply for being allowed to continue breathing. I didn't know that sometimes breathing is enough. I didn't know the freedom of not conforming to the standards someone else set. I didn't know I could set my own priorities and goals and truly not give a flying fart what anyone else thinks!

I didn't know that joy could be magnified by sorrow. I didn't know the depth and richness that bitter brings to sweet. I didn't know that gratitude could displace anger. I didn't know that the sun shines brighter after a long stint in the dark. I didn't know that my life could serve as his legacy. I didn't know that I could love more deeply because of the love he poured so freely into me. I didn't know that I could miss him with every beat of my heart and yet want to give all I have to this life, because it is what he would have wanted.

Now I know.