I just can't do this.........Can I?

What "it" is,i just don't know. Time has gone so quickly that when I actually realize we are coming up to ten whole years without my beautiful boy,i canNOT breathe. 

It seems the first few years, I was completely and utterly numb. I have kept myself so busy so as not to feel.When I did feel,it was anger at whoever was closest. Realizing this,I found a therapist and worked really hard at that emotion,but just could not get to the heart of the matter and discuss Keith fully.

Every day-every single is agony. Physical pain. Severe neck aches, headaches, jaw clenching so bad I can't tolerate it. Terrible sleep. Every test you can imagine...and I am a healthy girl.Thank goodness. I have a few minor issues,but my issues are all centered around my loss. I can't handle it. 

I am fine on the outside..made up-hair done-clothes clean....but the terror inside is unrelenting and exhausting. I am sick of it. 

I say I don't know what "it" is as I just can't figure out what I am supposed to do to come to a place where I can understand a loss SO great that my life begins to have meaning again. This is a terrible sentence,and I know people on this site will understand but when I say "my son died"as an EXCUSE (for lack of a better word) for oh...why i can't focus...why i ran a red light.....why i can't go to weddings...and the person says "Oh,I'm sorry when did that happen?" and I say 2006-they STARE at me. Which has NOW made me think"what is wrong with you Lisa??" 

Every single person who loses a child loved their child without exception,but for me,i seem to be having quite an issue understanding it is okay to move on. That child was everything to us. I just think the sun rose and set with him and what we did to help him overcome his addiction was astounding, to no avail .To have it end one and a half hours out of his 18th rehab at age 20 ,I still can't comprehend. 

I am actually in awe of people who say they accept their child's death and can continue to live....i will never accept Keith's death. I understand it happened. I understand I have to keep going. And,i do. But,I am so changed,it horrifies me. And I don't know how to begin to be an eighth of what i once was. 

When I think of how hard this is,I can't breathe. When I think of the rest of my life ,i just don't know what to do. Stuck. Even though I am productive and busy...inside I am just....stuck. I know Keith doesn't want me to be sad, but I never imagined a life where he wasn't a living,breathing human being. I carry him with me and think of him always. I say I can't do this,but I AM doing this. What choice do we have?