I'm Not Moving On, I'm Moving Forward.

I've grown to hate the phrase "move on." For me, I've always mostly connected it in terms of relationships. "You left me, I've found someone else, I've moved on." "That guy was a jerk to you, you need to move on." Even when in relation to something else, like leaving an unsatisfactory job and moving on to a better one, the phrase makes me feel like abandoning that part of you life. You acknowledge that it happened, you learned something from it and now you're leaving it behind and looking for someone or something else. So when my fiancé passed last July and I hear people tell me I can "move on" my hackles raise.

Let me just go back a moment. In 2012, I started praying for my true love, the man I'm going to love forever, to come into my life. Every night, I had a set list of attributes that I wanted in my soul mate. For example, someone who was kind, loved his family, was fun and loved life, would respect my mom, had a deep love for God, was good at math (cause I'm not), would allow me to be independent, a Mr Darcy to my Elizabeth. One night while praying, this face popped so clearly in my mind that it took me by surprise. Partly because I felt I had just gotten my answer. Partly because I was afraid because I knew that face, I served with him at church, and I was always drawn to him, though I hadn't admitted that even to myself yet. I met Chase in 2010 when I was a new usher at our church and he was a lead usher. He was 20, loved by so many, willing to help anyone with anything. He had just gone through open heart surgery for a condition that would later contribute to his passing 5 years later. A few months after that suddenly answer, I started to notice my heart began to pound at the thought of seeing Chase and during our big 2 week church Xmas production, I would go out of my way to see him, despite the fact that I was in charge of the balcony and he was running things downstairs. In February 2013 I finally admitted to myself I had a crush on him and it grew fast, though I felt like I had hardly scratched the surface of who he was. When I was asked a few months later to be a lead usher as well, it was my opportunity to grow closer to God and to Chase as well. I never made a move on him, he seemed too good for me, no way he would like me too. Turns out he was falling as hard for me as I was for him and by the time we finally got together on Dec 1st 2013, we were in so deep, we knew we were done. I love you was spoken before our first kiss.

Our entire time together was like finally finding the other half of my soul. It was easy, we fit so well together it was as if we had met before and was just remembering each other rather than learning. We never had a fight, talked everything out, we had fun together, shared interests and opened each other up to new experiences. People watching us would say they didn't knew what true love was until they saw us. Chase looked at me like I was magic and I could see the words I love you in his eyes before he even spoke. I remained in awe of him, amazed he chose me and that everything I had ever wanted was wrapped up in the glorious man I was with. The day Chase purposed on the Golden Gate Bridge was the happiest day of my life. And the day he passed away suddenly 3 1/2 months later was the beginning of my waking nightmare.

So this is why Move On annoys me. I was never a woman who had to be with someone. As I became an adult, my intense desire to have kids never grew and I didn't feel the need to go guy hunting. I knew that God would send the right man to me at the right time. And he did. Chase was the one who wanted kids, and I was happy to have them if he was the daddy. Now that he's gone, I don't miss the opportunity to have kids, I regret the lose of having them with him. And the same goes for being alone. I don't miss being in a relationship, I miss Chase. Cuddling up with him, laughing with him, just being with him...this is what I miss. Him. Now I am aware that there are different kinds of love and it is possible to love more than 1 person in a lifetime. I was in love with my high school boyfriend, he is a good man and had I agreed to marry him when he asked, we could have been happy. But I know that I wouldn't have been as happy as I was with Chase. I know the difference between what I felt for each of them and the difference between the connections we had. And that connection with Chase and I went soul deep. So, yes, I know it's possible. But it's not what I want. I don't want to move on. But at the same time, I can't stay. Chase isn't coming back, the date we had set for the wedding has come and gone, the house is devoid of his laughter, the bed is too big at night without him beside me, the work day too long without his texts, and family events bittersweet because I'm always aware he isn't there. That part of my future is gone.

So what do I do then? For 15 months I pondered that question, cringing every time the phrase "move on" was spoken. Then at a women's conference just recently at our church, one of the guest speakers gave me the words I needed to hear. She said that God only has one direction for our lives: forward. Not backwards, not side to side, not standing still, but forward. She said to pick yourself up and move forward. Not move on, move forward. That Sunday, one of our greeters asked how I was doing and when I gave my typical response of, "I'm hanging in there" she says, "that's all you can do to move on." I told her, I'm not moving on, I'm moving forward. And she stopped in her tracks, her eyes alight with surprise and told me she'd never thought of it that way.

I don't know what this life has in store for me now that all the future plans I'd had as a kid are shattered. I don't know how exactly I'm moving forward, what that entails or how long til I figure it out. But I've since realized finding some happiness out of this life doesn't mean having to replace Chase. Just because the cause of my saddness is the loss of the man who brought me so much happiness doesn't mean to find happiness again, I have to be in another relationship. Which is what I feel people are telling me when they say things like "I just want to see you happy" or "move on." There are a few who flat out said that I'll find someone else cause you never knew what God has in store. This is true, but couldn't it also mean my life has some purpose other than another guy? See, this is why I hate the phrase "move on."

Maybe you're like me, and the thought of replacing your darling makes you feel nauseous. Friends, family, even strangers mean well when they tell us we can move on. Our loved ones want to see the pain ease, to see happiness instead of tears. To those who find love again, that's wonderful. For those who can't bring themselves to do that, our happiness will have to come from a different source. For me, I'm wanting to take up photography, to capture the beauty I see in this world and hope that it leads me to remember the beauty of my life; we'll see where that takes me. I know one thing though, it's another step in my journey of moving forward.