The Journey part 2 the biopsy

I will never forget the trip to Barnes for the biopsy of the cancer in my husbands mouth.  We arrived as instructed and waited in the waiting room for Bob to be called.  I was looking around and the different cancer patients and recall thinking how i wish there was a magic cure for this thing called cancer.  One that would be without pain.   I knew many in that room would not make it and was sad knowing that there were many lives that had changed. 

 

Soon Bob was called and the doctor talked to both of us.  He numbed the area in Bobs mouth and asked me to wait outside.  I was standing in the hall when i heard my husband cry out.  I felt as if someone had ripped my heart out and shredded it right in front of me.  My hands went to my face-agony and helplessness so easy to read in my eyes, with tears streaming down my face i dared not cry out.  I had to be strong but it was as if we were one body-one mind and agony was all i felt.  The nurses ran to me as my legs buckled beneath me and i fell to the floor on bended knees and bowed my head and prayed.  "Oh God, if my husband can not be whole, it this is going to cause him prolonged pain, if he can not beat this, PLEASE TAKE HIM.  Take him to a place of no more pain, no more suffering. Take him to joy, peace all that is good and wonderful.  God spare my husband this painful journey"  The nurses beside me began to cry as they helped me to my feet.  One asked me if i was ok, if there was anything she could do for me.  I looked at her my voice a whisper and said "I am not the one in Pain"    Silent tears ,my body trembling with emotion as i had never felt so alone in my life.  As if God himself had turned his back on me.  No JOY no HAPPINESS  most of all NO HOPE. 

 

We went home after that waiting on the team of doctors to call us with there findings.  Soon that call came the name of the monster

Squamous Cell Carcinoma

the doctors proposed radical surgery which was to remove all of his jaw the toung and much of his gums.  Bob decided he did not want to do this and opted for HOSPICE.  Thus the journey toward death began.  The match was set, the bell rung and death began his assault.  

One of the things that needed to be done was a hospital stay to put in a G-tube.  Bob was admitted to Jefferson Memorial hospital and the surgery was set.  I worked during the day and stayed with my husband at night.  His first night there i came into the room and he proudly waved his hand toward the food he had ordered for me.  I held back tears knowing this was the last meal my husband would pick out.  He was so happy to see me and wrote many things on his pad of paper.  I joked with him and we laughed as i tried to turn the chair into a bed.  i fell on my bum when it pulled out into the little bed.   a few days later the surgery was done and bob was in recovery as he waited for the release to go home to die. 

I was busy with the preparations of converting our room into a hospital room decked out with oxygen and hospital bed and table.  Soon the time came to bring him home and the Hospice nurse was there with the liquid medication and patches when he arrived.  A first for me was to learn how to take care of a G-tube and instruction on giving my husband his meds through it.   My whole family was there and the nurse took one look at me and told my daughterinlaw she was going to teach her as well.  That i was days away from needing to be hospitalized if i did not get some rest.  i slept on the bed in our room as Bob was in his hospital bed.  It had been so long that six hours of sleep felt like 12.  As each day came and went i watched as my husband drifted farther and farther away to a place i could not see.    One day he motioned for me to come close to him and he looked at me and began motioning with his hands.  He touched his body and pointed up, I said you are ready  he shook his head.  He touched his heart than mine  and i said I love you too.  then he took my hand balled my fingers into a fist and pushed my fist to my chest   i said you want me to be strong.  With eyes full of tears he shook his head yes.