THE JOURNEY part 5

The first year after Bobs death is a blur, so many firsts.  The second year was worse then the first as the reality of life without Bob set in completely.   I started dating way too soon.  I have made many mistakes but hopefully i have learned the lesson in it all.  Dating for a widow is fraught with many dangers, One being inexperience.   Most do not talk about what happens but hopefully some can learn from MY mistakes. 

9 months after my husbands death I was working with my friend in her landscaping business.  I was working hard on this one particular day and frustration was overtaking me when i received a call from my girlfriend Von.  As we talked she started laughing and asked me what was wrong.  (she already  knew) I was at a loss for words as I was trying to figure out how to say what was going on in a nice way.  Finally I said "Look girl,  this was NOT IN THE WIDOWS HANDBOOK!!!!!"  She was laughing even harder and asked what.  I replied " OH HELL!!!!!  I am so horney I could hump a stump!!!! (I know many of my friends are conservative but truth is truth) I continued "I don't remember feeling like this as a teenager,  I have never felt this type of thing before."  (I had lived a very conservative life and this was not something i was prepared for.)  Thus started my road of mistakes.  Von explained to me that this happens to folks who have divorced as well.  I started dating, BIG MISTAKE!!!!  One, I was emotionally not ready for a new relationship nor was I ready for the type of men I ran across. 

I was a faithful wife to my husband and expected that from the men in my age group.  WOW! is all I can say.  The teenage games are still played in the 40 something age bracket in the dating pool. ( I came to call it the shark pool.)  Men and women looking for casual non-committed hook-ups and fun fun fun.  It is easy to get caught up in this kind of lifestyle, but it is shallow and bitter in the end.   I dated one man for a year, if nothing else i did learn what I wanted and what I did not want.  I partied for over a year and can say looking back on it that it left me empty.   

Reflection is a good thing if one is ready to be honest.  So here is what I know now.  The loss of my husband left a void in my life that i was trying desperately to fill, note the word Desperately.  Being lonely is almost intolerable and filling that hole impossible.  I now know you have to be comfortable in your own skin and not look for someone to make you happy.  If you are not already happy how can someone make you feel that way. 

January was the final good by with the ex and I began taking a hard look at myself.  My girlfriend had a long talk with me and was brutally honest with me.  The 2x4 of words that came out of her mouth hit me like a ton of bricks.  She had the knowledge of a long friendship to back her up (over 25 years)  As she talked i became angry but knew she was speaking the truth.  She watched as months went by and her OLD FRIEND began to re-emerge.  It was hard only because I had to take a hard look at myself and acknowledge my mistakes.  Taking ownership and only pointing my finger at my self.   I began dating again but with a new(old) set of standards,  Honesty and faithfulness is at the top of my list, to guide me.  

As Von and I continued to talk i made it clear i did not intend to spend the rest of my life alone, but this time i have my priorities straight.  I am happy all on my own and now know that adding someone to my life is a blessing.   I have discovered it takes over a year to REALLY get to know someone but the experience of a 23 year relationship with my late husband Bob also taught me that we are in a constant state of change as we continue to grow and learn.  So you can be with someone for a life time and still learn new things about them.

I started dating again and ran across some real losers, one in particular stands out, he thought I was supposed to be impressed with his status in life and his car.  He was all hands and I never expected to be in a wrestling match on a date.  When I refused his advances he said "I bought you dinner and i have a BMW".  Really!!!!!  Come on!!!  I informed him he could go down town and pick up a woman for $80  and then i explained to him if he was looking for a woman to be impressed with his car she would also empty out his bank account.  That was the shortest date i have been on.  

With my new set of standards i went on several dates, any man that looked at my children as BAGGAGE did not get a second of my time.  Quality is not money or status but what is in the heart of a man.  I don't expect perfect, I just expect honesty and integrity, I expect to see the good, bad and ugly as we all have this.  I am not perfect, never will be, so I am not expecting perfection.

I do not know what the future holds ,but now my eyes are wide open and I am now ready for all the opportunities that await me.  So my journey of discovery continues as I travel a road of possibilities.  God Bless