looking back

I  recognize the signs when it begins

the slow swirl of memory

flashes of smiles and color

sometimes a scent

as my life goes on display

as if on a movie screen

her running up beside me

and locking her arm in mine

her laughter as she stood on her toes

or jumping up to kiss my face

the fragrance

the feeling

the warmth of her

always pressing into me

and that look

the one that everyone saw

but she only gave to me

even after all these years

all I can think is

 wow

and I never got over her

I can feel her to this day

I stop what I'm doing for a while

and let the tide of memory pull me under

sweetness and light at the first

and then buffeting as it pulls me under

until it's no longer a choice

locked in for the ride

as the way of escape hides from me

some days the memories are painful

and other times I smile

but as they leave

taking their fullness with them

they leave me staring at my work

silent but for the pat

of the tears falling on my desk

don't mistake this for a cry

the tears come unannounced

even when I'm smiling

remembering what used to be

 like having a reason to go home

instead of a reason to leave

sitting in the driveway

 staring at the door

knowing she's not there

and as I drive away again

I catch myself looking back

I guess I'm searching for something

that no longer exists