Loss of physical contact

It was 17 weeks ago today I lost you, Ray.  Today, the loss of our physical contact hit me hard.  I remember how I could always come up and hug you for no special reason, just because I love you was reason enough.  That loss of contact is hitting me hard. I woke up sobbing last night from the pain.  Does this pain ever ease?  I feel each day that a little more of me dies from the loneliness.  I look for signs of you being here every where and it hurts when I can't find them. 

You told me the night before you died that I would be okay because I am strong.  I do not feel strong.  I feel like a broken object that can never be put back together.  I pray for help but am not feeling it.  The security of your love is missing.  I miss hearing your voice.  I wish we had some sort of after death communication, anything, just to hear from you. 

It eats at me that I wasn't with you when you passed.  If only I had known that you were leaving me, I would have stayed in the room with you and held you as you left earth and moved on to Heaven.  Were you trying to protect me?  I love you so much and it hurts to be without you. 

Ray, you were my first and only love.  You had so much patience with me.  You were my strength when I was working through my issues.  You never gave up on me.  You always loved me.  You helped me grow.  You were always here to help me. 

You used to tell me how nice it was to wake up to a happy and smiling wife.  You were the reason I was happy.  You could always make me smile. 

I miss cooking for you.  I miss watching TV together.  I miss playing cards with you.  I miss sitting on the back patio talking to you or watching a storm come in and listening to the rain.  I miss folding your laundry.  I miss shopping with you.  I miss everything that was you.

I hope you found your brother when you arrived in Heaven and our pets.  I look forward to the day when I will see you again.  You are my life.  I love you and miss you.