Managing Grief (or Not?): Hanging on by your fingertips

The key thing that keeps me “going” and hanging on by my fingertips is to keep on clinging to God and the promise of reunion one day.  There are no satisfactory answers to why we are left behind and why our lives are torn apart in such cruel ways. 

Remember that the enemy of our souls is the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy and try to break us.  He tries to turn us on God in our pain, but it has just caused me to hold on even tighter to my faith, because I know my beloved is with God and I will not allow the devil to steal my faith and succeed in keeping me from God and an eternity with my beloved.

But we are human and we feel what we feel and no-one can expect us to always be able to rise above our very human emotions.  I know for me it does not really help to hear my beloved soulmate is in a better place – I know he is, I have total peace with that, but I need him here with me.   I miss him and I don’t want to face the future on earth without him. He was my world and my purpose and I wish above all that God had taken me with him because I don’t know how to do life without him.  I am grateful that I have God – he DOES comfort, I do feel it, I feel His presence and I know He hurts with me.  He sees every tear.  The bible says He bottles our tears…and He understands when I am unreasonable and angry.

I found happiness for the first time at age 45 when I met my boyfriend, after a very difficult time and a very troubled marriage for 21 years.    I met the love of my life in June 2012 and for the first time my life had meaning and hope. I had found happiness beyond what I could ever have imagined. I started healing emotionally and physically and I thanked God for him every day.  My future looked bright and we were excited about spending the rest of our lives together.  We were so happy and so in love.  22 months later and just 2 months before we were due to get engaged – I lost him suddenly and unexpectedly under very traumatic circumstances.

I suffer terrible nightmares and flashback to the dreadful evening on 24 April 2014 when I walked into our home to find my partner’s body – under gruesome circumstances.  He had died (accidental) sometime early morning – soon after having run a bath, eggs set aside on the stove. The memories of that traumatic day and everything that happened in a haze: ambulance, police, mortuary van and strangers coming and going adds to the daily trauma of having to live life without him now. It seems too much to bear.  Trauma experienced with a death makes it so much worse. 

It is a difficult road for all who suffer loss, but we are all individuals and every experience is unique.  However, there are things that can complicate it.  I found a list of things that can complicate and lengthen the time of grief and in my case I tick all the boxes: 7 out of 7!

1. The nature of the relationship with the person who died

2.The unique characteristics of the bereaved person

3. The unique characteristics of the person who died

4. The availability of a social support system

5.  The nature of the death

6. Other crises or stresses in the person's life

7. The funeral experience

The whole storm of emotions go beyond anything I had ever experienced, and I often wonder if I can possibly deal with them, endure them, and go through them. I didn’t know a person could go through so many emotions and feelings. Going through this has totally changed the way I view life.  It is a very helpless feeling. I am learning to pray and walk through the emotion with God rather than deny or fight the emotion.

Washington Irving said: " There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues.  They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love."

I saw this poem by an unknown author, which I hope brings some meaning and comfort:

THE MASTER WEAVER'S PLAN

My life is but a weaving

Between the Lord and me;

I may not choose the colors--

He knows what they should be.

For He can view the pattern

Upon the upper side

While I can see it only

On this, the under- side.

Sometimes He weaves in sorrow,

Which seems so strange to me;

But I will trust His judgment

And work on faithfully.

'Tis He who fills the shuttle,

And He knows what is best;

So I shall weave in earnest,

And leave to Him the rest.

Not 'til the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly

Shall God unroll the canvas

And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needed

In the Weaver's skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned.