MERRY CHRISTMAS MY LOVE IN HEAVEN

This time last year I was so grateful for my life and family. I had a wonderful husband and a daughter who had just graduated college. I remember oh so well hearing Bear say to me “I sure hope 2014 is a better year than this one has been”. I was happy and anticipating our first year together doing things just for us. We were very happy that Kasey had graduated and was well on her way to a wonderful life. Things can completely change in one fast second. This year, 2014, will be the year that will forever be burned in to my mind as the most heartbreaking and difficult year of my life. We had no idea what we were about to face when the new year of 2014 rang in. A fight for life, painful agony, and the loss of our future was on the horizon.

I remember having a “feeling” for awhile that something wasn’t right with how Bear looked. I’d look at him and think to myself that he didn’t look well and maybe it was just exhaustion. I’d told Kasey earlier in the year of 2013 that I was worried about him. Most of the time, my intuition is usually right. I remember having a dream, a nightmare, about him. I don’t remember exactly what it was but in this dream, he left me. He died. When I told him about the dream he just looked at me and smiled and told me it was ok. That he was here and he wasn’t going anywhere. Oh how I wish that had been true.

It was January 3, 2014 the night before Kasey’s wedding. I heard Bear drive into the drive way and I went to meet him at the door as I usually did every day. When he walked in, I will never forget the look on his face. I could see something was so very wrong. Never in the 11 years of knowing him did he ever complain but on this night he did. He told me he was so sick and I could see so clearly that he was. He mentioned he had to leave again to go and do a small job for friend that he had promised and there wasn’t any way of talking him out of it. So he left and did as he had promised. No matter how he felt, he would always keep his word. I loved that about him so much.

When he came back, he looked even worse. He expressed to me that he needed to shower and go to bed because he felt so very sick. I came in later to check on him and I could see he wasn’t breathing well and his abdomen was distended. I then asked Kasey to listen to his heart with her stethoscope. She did and said he needed to go to the hospital right away. Of course he argued with me but I immediately called the ambulance and from there everything changed. Our lives, our home, our future was no more to be.

The next day was Kasey’s wedding. I had been up all night at the hospital and at 6am I left as they gave me a partial diagnosis and transported him to Barnes Jewish Hospital in St. Louis. I had to stay and attend the wedding, of course. I was so torn though when I had to leave him that morning. He had never even been in the hospital before. He had never really been sick before except for diabetes which was monitored on a regular basis. Well, at least we thought at the time it had been monitored only to be wrong and that mistake would cost us oh so much.
The wedding was so very hard without him. I was devastated and happy all at the same time. Happy for my daughter as I should be but devastated that he couldn’t participate in this life event that should have been a happy time for us all. How could this be happening? I knew he was sick and his liver was over worked but never did I think I would get his diagnosis of cancer over the phone a day later. I couldn’t get to him because of the snow storm for 4 days. Finally, a wonderful and faithful friend drove me to the hospital and I finally was able to see him. I walked into the room and he was smiling and sitting up in bed. He was so much better. Like nothing was wrong. Like an innocent child that didn’t really quite get what was happening to him. Oh how I love him! I just wanted to crawl in bed with him and stay forever. I didn’t want to believe what I was told by the Dr’s. But it was true. He had cancer. At the age of 48 diagnosed with terminal cancer with only 6 months to live.

Coming home was bittersweet. We cried. We prayed. We hoped for a miracle. We had hoped that this was all a dream and we would wake up any minute and it would all be over. Our lives would go back to normal. To the normal days we were so use to but this wasn’t to be. The Dr’s gave us no hope. There was no treatment to be had. Just accept the diagnosis and wait to die. I will never ever forget the look on his face when the Dr’s told him that he only had 6 months to live. The innocent look of a child that wasn’t sure of what he had heard. My heart broke into a billion pieces at that very moment. All I could do is hold him and cry. All we could do is hold each other and cry.

Every day since that day was a fight. A fight of not wanting to accept that we would lose each other in a few short months. How could this be?? How could this be the end? We have plans. We had just got things together again for the two of us. We were going to be together until we were 90. We were going to grow old together. I had always planned that I was to go before him. I knew I would go before him. I had to go first! I mean how could it be this way? He was a wonderful selfless person. The best father and husband any woman could ask God for. I wanted him to outlive me but it didn’t matter what I wanted or what he wanted. Cancer had the upper hand! Cancer dictated our lives! Cancer was going to take him away from me! How could this be? How can I live without him?

For 5 months and 2 and ½ weeks I watched this evil take my husband down to nothing. I watched this evil take our lives and I watched it make him suffer. I wanted to take care of him. I tried to do everything I could to make his life easier. I wouldn’t have it any other way but to take care of him. I wanted to give him my life. I loved him. No, not “loved”…. “LOVE” him! I love him this moment and I will love him till the end of my life until I take my last breath. I will love him like he loved…. Loves… me.

On June 8th, 2014 I had watched him suffer so much for days. The day before he went to Heaven which was a Saturday, I watched him go into this state of mind of his own. I watched him talk on an imaginary phone. I listened to him have an imaginary conversation. I heard him beg to go and see his Mom when he couldn't even move. The whole night he wouldn't close his eyes. Not even once. He worked all night at his job, he thought. Then in the morning, a Sunday morning, I watched as he could no longer move, speak, or even swallow. His eyes followed me everywhere the whole day. His breathing was so labored and that is the one thing that I have so much trouble getting out of my mind. I kneeled down on my knees beside our bed and I began to pray to Jesus with everything inside of me. With all of my strength, heart, and soul to please please come and take him home. He had suffered enough! I prayed so hard and never, not once, did he closed his eyes the whole night before and all day long. Then at 6:55 pm that evening, he looked at me very aware and I knew that Jesus was there to take him home. I told him it was ok to go and I kissed his lips. I knew he didn’t want to leave me. I remembered how he had said to me how sorry he was for leaving me and he fought so hard. I watched him take his last breath and close his eyes. How can someone explain how much it hurts to see someone you love with everything you are take their last breath? You can’t. You just can’t. Even though I knew he was gone to Heaven, I wanted him back. I didn't want to believe it. I screamed for him to come back but of course he couldn't.

So today is Christmas Eve and I visited him at his grave side. I go there often and I know his body is sleeping there and his spirit is with Jesus. But I have to go there. I sat and cried as I do most days. Knowing that it doesn't matter how many tears I cry, he isn't ever coming back to me. Nothing can be changed and my future is forever on this earth without him. I pray so hard for God to lead me. To lead me or take me home. He has more for me to do but I have no idea what it is. I’m sure He will reveal it to me in His time.

Life has changed so much this year. Changes I never thought or could foresee taking place. Did I ever think I would be completely alone on Christmas Eve? No … never. But here I sit in silence. Alone and heartbroken still praying for strength and wisdom from the Almighty. But this night is about Him not me. It is about how He died for me and saved me. It is about my sweet Bear now being able to walk with Him in Heaven. So yes…sadly, now there is one. Just me, at this very moment. Now, there is "One" watching everyone laughing, happy, and joyful spending time with their families as it should be. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t envious. I am. Remember to be thankful for your family. You are so blessed to have people around you that love you. You never know when there may come a time that you will be sitting alone on a Christmas Eve with a future that seems oh so bleak. You never know when you will sadly have to say….. “And Now There Is ONE”.

God bless you all. Be glad and be thankful for every day you have. Things can change in one second and life as you know it will be no more.
Christmas is about Jesus but I know He doesn’t mind me writing about my beloved husband on this night. I know that He is with me but He knows I still feel alone. His plans for me are to be revealed. Still my heart is broken and I am oh so sad. I have love that will never die. For that I am thankful.

Merry Christmas my love in Heaven