My Heart is Like a Wilted Rose

My heart has been like a hot lava stone inside my chest these past weeks.  My eyes never stop overflowing with hot tears.  It hurts too much to speak, to communicate, to be with other people, to even breathe at times. I seek instead silence and solitude, all the while knowing that you would want me to live, to be happy, to go out, but I cannot my love. 

Separated from you I am withered like a rose without rain – I no longer receive the rain of your unique love that watered my human soul.

In my deepest loneliness and hurt I felt close to you when I awoke in the early hours of this morning. I had dreamt of you – the first time in quite some time.  You stepped away from building our mansion in heaven and came to be with me in my dreams. I remember in the dream you had been away somewhere for a while and I mentioned to a friend that I was sure that I was going to get my heart broken, because I loved you so intensely and had missed you so much, but it seemed that the separation had caused your love to go cold.  You overheard and came up to me and drew me into your arms and held me close to your chest.  You kissed me and I remember my lips were dry.  Parched like the rest of me as I had not received the rain of your love for so long.

I felt your breath on my face, the stubble of unshaven face…all so real, all so comforting.  Oh, how good it felt, how familiar.  How nourishing to my dried out soul.

When I awoke I could almost feel you next to me.  I felt so close to you.  I could imagine a heavy leg draped over mine as I lay there in the silence of the morning.  The only sound the distant crashing of the waves and the rhythmic tick of the clock on the wall ..like your heartbeat next to mine...the way it used to be. The way it should be.

I think of the rose again, granted just enough moisture to revive my outer petals so I can rise and face the day and its chores. The world will see a rose that blooms and looks whole on the outside, but in the centre of that rose, at the heart it remains closed – unable to open and be revived.  The petals folded over the heart of the rose, keeping the memories and the pain inside, keeping the world out.  It will bloom again fully only when we are reunited and we can share our love again.