Out With The Old, In With The Old (and I'm okay with that)

“Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced.” - James Arthur Baldwin

New Year’s Eve 2006 was absolutely, the worst New Year’s I have ever experienced. It was a little more than five months after Mack had died and I had already had to deal with mine, David and Ruby’s birthdays, the Jewish holidays, Halloween, Chanukah and Christmas, all without Mack. You’re always told after you lose a loved one that the ‘firsts’ are the hardest and they are but I wasn’t prepared for how hard I would get hit on New Year’s Eve. I wasn’t prepared to say goodbye to the last year in which my son was still alive. Up until then, I could say that Mack had died two, three or five months ago; words so painful to speak but which all meant that he was alive that year.  As of Jan. 1st, 2007, I would have to say that I lost my son ‘last’ year and I can’t begin to explain the sadness that came with that.

Tonight will be the seventh New Year’s Eve without Mack. After that first year, I was able to prepare myself  because I knew what to expect. I am in New York now with Ruby and David for the third year in a row. It’s nice to be away, it distracts me and that’s a good thing. It took time but I have learnt that there is no guilt in distraction because distraction is fleeting, there are always reminders. Mack is always with me and the void that he leaves in my life is a constant. 

When you lose a child, you don’t have the luxury of saying, ‘Whew, I’m glad this year is over” because the next year will bring much of the same. However, there does come a time when you reach a plateau, it’s different for everyone but we all get there. And when you reach this place, you will have found a balance that will allow you to live your life and miss your child at the same time. I have reached this place.

To my wonderful friends and family, I wish you all a very happy and healthy 2017.

(cenepefewgttdsmwgl)