Positive Grief

Firstly a little bit about me and my story although I so wish this story was that of fiction but, unfortunately it’s not.

My Wife Helen and I met in April 2006 and once we had become an item there was no stopping us. We moved in together later that year in Oct 2006 and were engaged in the Dec. We married in July 2007 and our first baby was born a year later. We were happy, just starting our lives together, in love and life was perfect.

Then in 2009 just a few days after our daughters 1st birthday and 3 months pregnant with our second child our lives were to change forever when Helen was diagnosed with Breast cancer. Initially there were doubts about the pregnancy but after some proactive work liaising with the right professionals Helen underwent surgery and 4 bouts of Chemo before delivering our beautiful baby boy Marley. Helen then went on to have 4 further much stronger Chemo treatments plus Herceptin and radiotherapy. The side effects of the treatment hit Helen hard and what with a new baby and a toddler I reduced my hours at work to part time to look after them all.

18 months went by while we started to rebuild our lives and bring up our two small children. We thought we has seen the last of cancer but we knew there was always that possibility but we knew how lucky we were to have our family and lived life to the fullest. Then at the end of 2011 the cancer had returned, Helen had had a small re-occurrence which was dealt with by surgery. Oncologists and surgeons didn’t seem overly concerned by it as a small re-occurrence like this can be common.

In April 2012 Helen again had a biopsy which was found to be cancerous. Deciding to get to the bottom of these occurrences and with the will to get the best treatment possible we made a few trips to London to see one of the UK’s leading breast cancer specialists. After a number of scans the worst was to come in that the cancer had spread to the Lungs, Bones, Brain and Liver. This then sparked off the biggest battle of all.

Helen was treated with numerous types of Chemotherapy in an attempt to shrink the cancer plus countless other treatments to help manage the side effects. The treatments were quite frankly barbaric and in itself it almost drew out the life from Helen. Her whole body changed and I was left to become Helen’s carer and counsellor as both the treatment and cancer sapped the energy from her. I also had to somehow deal with my own thoughts and emotions as I watched parts of my wife slowly disappear.

Towards the end I knew my wife’s fate and I had to start the process of helping her come to terms with what was to come. I focused Helen on what she had  achieved rather than what she was going to lose. All she ever wanted was to be a mum and have a happy family. Obviously losing that is hard but she realised in the end that she had achieved what she had always wanted and that was better than not having it at all. Although initially the cancers did shrink and stabilise it became too aggressive and sadly on 1^st March 2013 that horrible disease took her away from us.

A terrible story but there was a difference. We both had an amazing drive to ensure we still had a happy life. We knew we couldn’t control the cancer but we were not about to let it control how we lived our lives and would not let it bring us down. Helen was a tower of strength through the whole journey and we both remained positive and optimistic throughout. Yes of course there were times of disappear but we always turned them around and were able to find something to laugh about. In fact through the 3.5 years of our cancer journey all I can really remember is happiness and laughter. We laughed and smiled in its face and we lived our lives as much as we could. There was always hope for another day..

Even though I personally remained positive and strong for Helen I had to watch in agony as the cancer slowly took away my beautifully wife, soul mate and best friend. I am now left as a widower and single parent trying to come to terms with the what happened through the 3.5 years since diagnoses and now life without her.

So now to my grief.

I have continued our positive mind set and try to focus my thoughts on how great the 7 years we had together were rather than the fact that we only had 7 years. I figure that even if I had 50 years with her would I want that to end? The answer would always be No. We never chose for Helen to get cancer and for it to take her away and it was no one’s fault. I also feel that my children and I deserve a good happy life because my wife suffered enough and she would never want that suffering to continue unnecessarily.

So just over 5 months has passed since my wife passed and life has been hard. An emotional roller coaster is an understatement from telling the kids, organising the funeral to just quite simply living my life on my own. Life has changed so dramatically. The cancer cloud has lifted from my life which is an amazingly free feeling although the price I had to pay for that was the loss of my wife. My positive mind set is tested every day. Everything I do in life I have to do without my wife which is a constant reminder of what I have lost and that is hard to swallow.

To help myself get through my own grief became immersed in the world of a widower because I figured only people with similar experiences would know how I was really feeling and were able to answer some of the questions I had. It was clear to me that all people deal with grief differently. Some were in some very dark places and others although sometimes struggled did also remain optimistic about life.

I won’t lie.. I have been desperately sad with the loss and the grief. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t have these times and feelings. However, what I am able to do is consciously recognise this and let it happen. I sometimes even put myself in that space. On the way home for work sometimes I would make myself feel the grief. I’d put the songs on from the funeral and fill my thoughts with just Helen, how sad it was for her and how awful it is for me and the kids. I would sob uncontrollably and have no idea what other drivers would think if they had seen me. But just before I arrived home I would pop on some up beat music and have a quick sing song to make me smile. I would then walk through the door to the kids with a smile on my face. I knew then that I had had my time of grief and mourning and I didn’t need to dwell on it any further that day. I think its a way of getting out the memory box of Helen’s sad times that I have stored in my brain, open it and divulge myself in it for that short period then put it safely away for another time.

My Personal Grief points.

1. I accepted what had happened right from the time Helen Passed because it happened so I was never in denial.
2. I have been desperately sad and felt/feel tremendous guilt although now to a lesser degree.
3. I have felt immense anger about it and continue to although to a lesser degree
4. I have now accepted what the kids and I have lost because I know she is never coming back. Though it doesn’t make it any easier.
5. I have accepted that I don’t think I will ever understand what has happened because it’s just so awful and that I will never get over it.. I will just somehow learn to live with it
6. I have accepted that life will be different. Not better, not worse… just different
7. The kids and I deserve a happy life no matter what has happened
8. Life is for living so why live it in a sad way? You may as well live it with a smile
9. Nobody has that Golden ticket to 80 years old. Enjoy what you have when you have it.
10. Don’t let the sadness of the past destroy the potential happiness of your present and future

I have also had an immense urge to somehow help people by bringing our story to them and more importantly the optimism, strength and positivity I live by so I decided to create a blog. A blog with some answers but also just about how I have dealt with being a carer, widower, single parent etc. My aim was simple. I wanted to help just one person which it achieved very quickly. From there I wanted to give people my account of how I dealt with certain situation about grief and loss. Inspire not only bereaved people but just anyone who is facing difficulty and to somehow impress my positivity on them to help them through.

Helen and I laughed and smiled in the face of adversity which in turn enabled us to still have a happy life even though life was hard. Life does go one after such a major setback and as I rebuild my life I am hoping to help others too.

The link to my blog is www.clearlypositive.co.uk.

I continue to tell myself that My wife would want me to be happy. In fact I know this is true because we talked about it

I also know that my kids and I deserve our own happy lives.

Life is very short so why not live it