Questions Bereaved Parents Ask: Helpful or Hindrance?
Heart: the organ that sees better than the eye. Yiddish Proverb
We all have questions after a loved one dies. After the fog of shock lifts in the early days of one’s grief the questions begin.
- Is my child OK?
- Do they still have pain?
- Did they feel pain?
- Where are they?
- Who is taking take of him/her now?
- Are they safe?
- Could I have…?
- Are they angry at me for…?
- Would they still be alive if I had only…?
We all have similar questions when facing our on-going grief.
- Why did my child have to die so soon?
- Why did my parent have to die young?
- Why did they die that way?
- Why were they in that situation prior to their death?
- Why didn't someone help?
- Why did he/she get that disease?
- Why couldn't they save him/her?
In our early grief we want answers. We want someone, anyone to answer the unanswerable questions we have about death. Our thinking returns to the six-year old processing where thinking is literal and one sees parts rather than how parts make up a whole.
The pain of grief does not allow the griever to think abstractly or even how they processed before their loved one’s death. We can’t allow our brain to justify what our heart won’t believe. For our protection, the brain allows for here and now thinking and believes the entire world shares this view.
Is it a situation where we might be asking the wrong questions? Are these questions helpful or are they a hindrance? Or does that even make a difference in one’s grief?
Usually it is with the passage of time (which incorporates and is the result of Awareness, Noticing and Trusting) that allows the grief to wear a different face. The passage of time allows us to notice that difference; that living with the conflicting emotions (of grief) differently, that we can choose to change our thinking. It is when we recognize the changes in our thinking and feeling that we will be able to move our thinking to a different level.
Often when a person recognizes that their thinking and feeling (in grief) is changing and they begin to accept their grief on a cognitive and emotional level, then they are able to address and open up to the spiritual part of themselves.
Moving one’s attention from the eye of the storm to the eye of the heart encourages acceptance and strengthens one’s beliefs, trust and faith. As this occurs, the grief questions one asks can be reevaluated and perhaps one will be able to seek answers of another kind instead of asking questions.
Due to the uniqueness and pace of the personal grief journey, there is no specific timeline for this recognition of the spiritual component to occur if it does at all. Many will discover hope, faith and a new view of their lives with a refocus upon the spiritual.
Death can be a catalyst for recognizing the mystery of life which can in turn help identify and re-birth a new purpose for living beyond the grief.
Perhaps in our grief journey we could ask different questions (rather than ones we cannot answer) to help us move in our bereavement.
Dassault Systemes, a French company and world leader in the production of 3D software states in their television advertisement, “if we ask the right questions, we can change the world.”
Perhaps if we ask the right questions in our bereavement, we can change us….
Wishing you hope, faith and trust in your journey, Chris
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P.S. Although I know many of you have questions about your loved ones, I can tell you that ALL your children and loved ones are absolutely fine on the other side. They do not need someone to care for them and they do not hurt anymore. (Whether from an accident or illness) Zac verified, "It's wonderful. I am more. I know. I seek. I research. I am everything that I knew from before and from that life and now I am the sum total of all of my lives." Yours are too...
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