Remembrance

This morning I got up with a plan to write thank you notes to all the contractors that worked on our home in 2011.  All of them were very nice and many would sit on the patio and visit with Ray.  Little did they realize, their visits helped lift Ray's spirits.  Ray always believed in treating every one with respect regardless of their job.  At that time, Ray's health had started going downhill.  Those visits with the people doing the various upgrades to our home gave him a chance to socialize.  I appreciated all of them for taking the time to see him for who he was: a man who listened, someone they could joke with, share their stories and listen to his.  As a result, Ray would ask for a business card from each of them.  He would give these to me to put in a book of business cards.  About 3 weeks before he passed, he went through those cards with me and told me which ones I should use, and which ones to stay away from.  That has helped me a great deal in the past 6 months while getting more home improvements completed. 

I needed a painter to paint the walls in my living and dining rooms, kitchen and remove wallpaper from the foyer. We had one painter, but Ray told me he would not use them again as the work was expensive and not done well.   I was getting an estimate from the first painter and was going to get more estimates from others when I heard Ray's voice tell me "go with this guy."  In the past, Ray would go on gut instincts while talking to a prospective contractor.  If he got a good feeling while talking with the person during the estimate process, he would go no further and hire them on the spot.  While those he was not sure about, he would gather more estimates.  The painter did a great job and later brought his wife and daughters over to meet me.  They keep in contact with me on Facebook and once in a while, a call. 

Tomorrow I plan on starting those thank you notes to those contractors.  This afternoon I was working in my mind on the thank you note to the VA Medical Clinic. I want to thank each of the staff members he came in contact.  All of them were very respectful to him and he got to know many of them very well.  He would always ask them about their families and give them comfort when they shared problems.  He would share their stories with me. 

Later today, I had to go back to my rheumatologist to have the TB test read before they start me on a new medication.  (I have had reactions to every thing they've tried so far).  There was an older couple sitting there and talking about recipes, what they were going to eat, where they were going to shop, etc...  It took me back to when I would sit with Ray at his visits while waiting to see the doctor.  We talked back and forth about everything as well.  Out of nowhere, tears started rolling down my cheeks and I could not get them to stop.  I realize it was because I had just experienced something that was precious to me and that overwhelming sense of loss hit hard.  I know this is something I will be experiencing, but if only it didn't hurt so much.

This Sunday, I am taking his fishing gear to this great-nephew who just turned 11.  He was born on the 17th of July, the day after Ray's birthday.  This great nephew is such a sweetheart.  He always called us to thank us for his gifts and would talk for a while with his Uncle Ray.  He loves to fish so I feel the fishing gear is going to the right person who will appreciate and get a lot of use from it. 

I have given things of Rays to people that I know appreciate them.  Ray had some items that he wanted me to give to specific people and I have been doing that.  But some of his other things, I give to those who I sense Ray would approve.  I have put many of his things in a remembrance wooden box that I am keeping.  They may not mean anything to someone else, but to me, they are special. 

I've been doing some reading and some people have said they put their loved ones things and pictures away so they could move on.  I cannot bear the thought of putting Ray's pictures or his belongings away.  When I look at them, it brings me comfort.  Yes, sometimes it makes me cry, but overall, it brings me comfort.  Sometimes I stand in front of his pictures and talk to him when I am troubled and I can almost sense him comforting me.  If I didn't have his pictures, his things around, I feel I would lose it.  I still refer to this home as "our home."  Ray's things add to it and I can look at certain items and the memory of when and where we got it comes back.  Many are from vacations.  So yes, I will keep Ray's things and pictures in "our home."

But for now, it is a day at a time.  One of my widowed friends told me, "you will never forget, and there will be days you will cry, the pain will lessen but your love will always be there for him."