Stuck

It started last Sunday.  I went to my brother-in-laws for a BBQ.  It went well but I still felt alone.  I kept waiting to hear Ray's voice, his laughter and feel his arm around me.  I went home.  As I was going through my emails, I heard a knock.  Molly started barking.  I checked the door, no one was there.  I sat down and started looking through Facebook.  Again, a much more urgent rap, but this time it sounded like it was at the window beside my desk.  I got up and started checking once again.  As I walked by my dining room window, I saw a covey of quail at the birdfeeders in my back yard.  I knew then, it was Ray.  He had knocked so I would look.  He had seen a covey of quail last year and was very excited as he told me about it.  I knew it was a sign from him that he was watching over me. 

On Wednesday, I dialed Ray's other brothers home and invited him and his wife to dinner that evening.  I hadn't planned it, it just happened.  It opened communication that had been gone for the past six years. 

Today, I invited both brothers and their wives to a BBQ at my home tomorrow.  I spent the day cooking, cleaning the house and patio, getting laundry caught up, and all the while tears kept streaming down my face.  Why? I prayed to God to help me find the solace I need and to work through this pain.

 I have gone into the library several times this week (which had been Ray's room) and I could smell his scent.  I know he is with me but yet I don't know how to understand what he is trying to communicate.  I feel he wanted me to bring his brothers together.  Maybe tomorrow, I will find my answer.

I visited my one sister-in-law for a while yesterday.  She told me I was strong.  So many have told me that.  They said the way I got the upgrades to the house done since Ray passed reflected my strength.  They don't understand, if I don't keep busy, I feel I will fall apart.  I read books on grief, ADC (after death communication) anything that will help me to accept Ray's death.  I know he is gone physically, but I know spiritually he is with me.  Some that I have talked to about it understand what I am saying while others have pretty much left me feeling that they think I am crazy and imagining it.  Ray always watched out for me, so what would be different?

I hate it when people tell me I am strong.  They don't see me at home, alone, crying while going about getting things done.  They don't feel the crushing pain I go through each morning when I get up and Ray is not here.  They don't see how I have to talk myself into doing things.  I hide it well from them.  But at home, alone, I can let it go.  Unfortunately, it has affected my health.  I sleep for 2-4 hours and then I am awake off and on the rest of the night.  Sometimes, I can't sleep at all. I go to bed at 5 or 6 in the morning and sleep for about 4 hours.  It affects my thought process. Little things, like forgetting to take that second step down from the stepladder and stepping back and falling.  This pain has put the rheumatoid arthritis in full flare making life physically painful.  Ray told me the night before he died that I would be okay, that I was strong.  I've always been there to help and get things done.  I was his caretaker for many years. Why is it so hard now when it is only myself?  If I didn't have my pets, I would go crazy.  They give me comfort. 

It has been six months, and I feel as if I am an open wound that just isn't healing.  I make a little progress, then it seems like the scab is ripped off and the wound opens up and all the pain comes back with it.  Is this what I have to face?  I loved Ray with my whole being and it had always been just him and me.  Now that has been taken away.  I feel as if my heart has been shattered and will never heal.  But, if I had to do it all over again, I would.

I write letters to Ray in a journal.  I tell him about what is going on, how I feel and how much I love and miss him.  Journaling keeps me on track. 

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be whole again.  People tell me, the pain will lessen, and that Ray will always live in my heart and I will be able to move on.  But, oh, this step that is so filled with pain seems to have grasped on to me and threatens to suffocate me with its neverending tentacles.   How do I move on?