Viewing life through pain tinted glasses

We are repeatedly told:  “we all face death, but life goes on”. Yes, we all face death and life may go on for the lucky few; but I wake up every morning and I have to find a way to get through the day saturated in pain. That is not life.  Nothing excites me anymore because everything excludes him and with that every event brings with it that searing reality that takes all pleasure out of living.  I’ve tried: I tried again last night by attending an office Christmas party.

Someone there said: “you used to be so happy, full of life and smiling...happiness is a choice”.  Yes, I was, when I had a life and happiness with the love of my life.  Happiness and choice do not fit in the same sentence in this scenario. I am not some lovesick juvenile who has had my first heartbreak and “there can be no other love”.  I am 47 years old, I have been in love before – I have loved and lost.  But this was different. This love was irreplaceable. Those that know the full story of our very unique love agree it cannot possibly be replaced. We lived 100% for each other and our own painful backgrounds bonded us together with a glue that could not be dissolved, but death ripped us apart and in the process tore my heart in two, leaving it bleeding terminally.

Your countenance and life energy reflects your heart: from the abundance of the heart the mouth AND appearance speaketh. So if the heart is in pieces and bleeding, if the soul is emptied of all that it lived for...how can you find joy in the things that others find joy in?

You see through glasses tinted with pain and haze. Life loses all beauty and purpose.  The colour is stripped from your life and the most beautiful fragrant rose is now experienced in grayscale and without smell. You try to see colour and search for a fragrance if only to please others, but without your loved one at your side to add the hues and fragrance you simply cannot see it anymore.

Even those closest to you can’t see it. They want to understand but they cannot. They cannot wear your glasses and you cannot lend them out. They are custom-made and should someone else put them on, they would see a different sight to what you see. Your glasses and pain are custom made. Your vision is forever changed by the lenses that are unique to your personal pain.

No-one else can see the world the way you see it now. Only those who have lost can relate. You know that because every day things still appeal to others who do not walk this path, despite life’s struggles and challenges.  They still have life purpose and hope for the future, while your future is no more.

I wish for different lenses, but I cannot trade them in for rose-tinted ones. My eyesight is forever altered by this loss.  Those that walk this road of life each wear a pair of glasses with its own, unique hue and tint…