We Are Never Ready to Say "Good-Bye"

We Are Never Ready to Say “Good-bye”

By Cindy Adkins

Walking through the grief process is personal, private, and painful beyond words.  When well-meaning friends offer such sentiments as, “I know how you feel,” it can virtually send us into a tailspin.  Why?  It is because we are convinced that they do not have a clue about what is going on inside of us—and maybe they don’t. Our reaction to those five little words can keep us further removed from feeling attached to those around us when we need them the most.

Often, it is during those times when we need emotional support that we are sidetracked by having to deal with others’ reactions to our pain.  Of course, there is always the concerned family member or friend who at some point tells us ever-so-gently—or harshly—that we need to “move on.”  Is any of this beginning to sound familiar?  If it is, you need to remind yourself that you will “move on” in your own good time—when you are ready. 

We each deal with loss in our own way.  Yes, we all went to school and studied about history, math, and other myriad subjects from a young age.  But, there was no textbook that taught us how to grieve.  So, when one of life’s most catapulting events happens to us, we are virtually unprepared.  However, so are our family and friends.  They don’t have a textbook that tells them what to say, either—or what to do.  That is why having a grief support group, whether it is online or in person, can make a significant difference.  It is in those settings that people do “get” what we are feeling and are there to offer consolation. 

Going through the grief process is, indeed, a solitary journey.  After all, no one shares the same memories that you do with your loved one who has passed on.  However, there are caring folks out there who are willing to listen and when you share your own story, it can help those who are trying to come to terms with their own losses.

Additionally, writing down your thoughts in a journal can be very powerful.  It is at those times when a loss has recently occurred that memories seem to flood a person’s mind and that is when it important to commit them to paper.  Years go by quickly and those memories will not be as fresh, so being able to capture them could mean the world to you later when time has forced those recollections to fade.  Keeping your writing in one place can be helpful, especially because you can refer back to it in the future.

If you have ever felt as though your loved one has contacted you in some way, whether through a dream or perhaps by other means, be sure to write about it, as well.  None of us is ever prepared to say “good-bye” to someone we love, whether it is a parent, child, spouse, friend, or whoever is significant in our lives.  Throughout the years, I have been astounded by the stories of those who have had such encounters.  I have had those experiences myself and witnessed some that have happened to others first-hand.  They were real and not imagined.  Yet, they are often overlooked when someone has one.  Usually, they occur shortly after someone has passed on.  You do not have to go in search of such encounters.  They can happen quite naturally when you least expect them. 

So how will you recognize them?  You could have lights that go on and off repeatedly or a phone that rings non-stop only to find that there is no one on the other end of the line.  These are only some examples and they are quite common.

While studying for my Master’s degree in Humanities, I was intrigued with “life questions” that had been asked by scholars through the ages.  When I graduated, I wanted to delve into them further and I began researching this subject in greater depth.  As a result, I came across numerous individuals who were willing to share their experiences and shed light on this issue that is often “shoved under the carpet,” so to speak.  However, when I realized that it was so prevalent, that is when I thought that anyone going through the grief process should be aware that these occurrences are possible—and could bring them solace.

So, if you are dealing with a loss, just know that as hard as it is for you to say “good-bye” to your loved one, it is equally difficult for that person.  While you hold precious memories in your mind and heart, you are just as special to the one you lost.  People around you may not understand, but the person you lost does.  Hold onto that thought.  What you shared was special.  You know it and so does the individual who left you behind—not because he or she wanted to go—but because it was time to move on to another realm.