What I Am Left With...

I think losing a child, in the manner we did; planning his death,

may have been more traumatic for my psyche - 

For a mother. 

I can't resolve much. 

Or see life going forward willingly. 

It just does go on; 

Without my permission.

So, I have no control; 

And that complicates my world. 

My footing forever unbalanced. 

Anything stable gone. 

In more ways than one. 

I feel like I'm swimming in the ocean; and, I am holding onto a buoy, 

In a storm with large swells . 

I'm struggling to keep afloat .

I know I won't drown, if I can just hold on . 

But the buoy moves around, 

Jostling me so much. 

I can't grip too well the circumstances. 

I pray for a life boat, that my child is captaining; 

Which is not coming. 

However, I feel the sharks coming nearer. 

So panic sets in- 

Or, I relinquish and let go  and know that life is over. 

And I am bait. 

Either way, I'm pretty sure,

life's not supposed to be this way. 

An unnatural state of being. 

So, I'm just doing what I can, 

To keep my head above water. 

Dark clouds in the sky don't make it easier,

Though i do try and hold onto the love. 

And I think for now that is what is keeping me afloat.

His last hug, ever, was to me.

His last word was "Mom".

The last time I held his hand, and he squeezed it to comfort me;

Despite the medically induced coma he was in.

That mother-son bond and connection;

Deep and true.  

I hold those. 

And this is what I remember. 

And it brings me smiles and joy;

But also tears, sorrow and pain, as well. 

A bittersweet existence. 

It's what I am left with.

Life without my son; 

Without his future and or promise. 

No grandchilden, No little "Stevens"; 

None of that that to hold and cherish in his absence. 

He had life with love . 

And I was blessed to have my angle in this existence for a while. 

It is replaced now with, A part of me dead now, as well. 

A good part. 

And I have an angel in heaven that walks beside me. 

Sending me messages or pictures on my screen to comfort me. 

An unnatural way of communication, but yet natural for him, 

My techy kid. 

But the only hug, I receive from him, forever more,

I get is the one I remember from those many weeks ago. 

Engraved in my being. 

The one I still feel like it was today. 

And that will have to hold me over for eternity. 

That is what I am left with. 

- a mothers grief.-