Who me????? I am not an addict.

Another rotten morning. Headache, nausea and all the other effects of too much alcohol. Climbing onto my scooter for yet another drive to work, another day of hazy thoughts and dying for a drink, and then the ride home. More alcohol, another bad night, up for work, and off again.  I repeated this over and over and over year after year after year, job after job after job until I just could not do it any more. I was an addict.

My parents were not alcoholics, but most of my family on my mother’s side was weaned from milk to beer or bourbon. In later years they died from strokes, cancer, and other health issues related to years of hard drinking. I would look at them and think “what a bunch of addicts” and then keep sipping on my wine, bourbon, beer, or whatever was available. I thought, “How can people drink so much?” as I downed another drink.

I did not drink in high school, very little in college, but as my youth began to fade, more dreams were dashed, more jobs just didn’t work out and I began to drink more and more. First it was just a few weekends. Heck if I am just getting drunk on the weekends I am not an addict.  Then it was every weekend, and maybe just toddy tonight, I mean it is Thursday and what is one day????? 

Drill weekends with the Army Guard became an exercise in trying to drink everything we could, and still try to get up in two hours for formation and try to pretend I was OK, that it was drill weekend and everyone drank, but I was the only one acting stupid and saying anything to anyone regardless of rank. If I were not well liked they would have processed me out at the first opportunity.  Too bad I had buddies that drank like I did.

After 6 years I destroyed my career and mustered out. Stupid military anyway. Things just did not go my way. Always someone else’s fault never mine. I went through jobs at a good pace. In 1986 I changed jobs four times as I tried to find satisfaction, but it always eluded me.  And yes I still drank.  Not everyday, but enough to affect my work.

Two years before we had adopted a son after years of having no success on our own. As he grew older he changed. By the fifth grade he began to get into trouble in school. By age thirteen he was in juvenile detention and a felon. I began to drink even more as I blamed everyone but myself. He would come home after his sentence was served, we would go through the honeymoon phase again, something would happen, I would overreact and call the police, and the same cycle was repeated. Over and over and over and over until finally he became an adult and went to prison. Once again, my poor behavior had nothing to do with this. I mean how could it????  How could this kid become like this after the loving, kind, nurturing home life that I had provided???? I had no idea.

And then there was my wife.  She stoically put up with me until one day I was faced with a reality.  Drinking or her. Period. What do you mean I drink too much?????  I still get up and go to work.  What do you mean I spend too much on alcohol???? That is none of your concern. And I do not want to hear about how much I drink. Look, I drink a five liter box of wine every other day, and that is only $9.99 per box, and look how much money I save on gas by riding a scooter instead of my truck, and I am really tired of this. On and on and on. Excuses one after another, day after day, month after month, year after year.

One day I woke up and decided to stop drinking. Period. All at once. Cold turkey. You can do this. And I did. But not by myself. My wife of 38 years was gracious and helped me. My friends did not know because I was a secret drunk. My church friends did not know because I never drank in front of them. Gradually my life became better for everyone. I felt better.  And God had been with me all through the mess.

I know that God has a purpose for everyone and that he creates us and for Him, and that we are unique. We have the choice of doing good or evil.  We can be a blessing or a curse to others. We can lead our families or destroy them. The choice is not simple. For me God had to crush me to the point that I was so miserable that I cried out enough!!!!!! And He said OK.

I thank God every day for being sober.  Those I minister to have no idea of my background.

Thank you God for one more day of being sober. Just one day at a time.