The World Moves On

Tim's picture hangs in the hallway, beside his room. From his chair in the living room, you can see it clearly. Only his room was in use down that way. I haven't gone in there to straighten up. It remains the same as it was the night he died. His pants lay where he left them, his possessions scattered about the room in various places. The Denver Bronco jersey's hang as they were. I have no desire to remove them. I have only been in there two times, months ago. The night I found him and the day of his memorial. It twists my heart still that he was so close, so close and did not reach out. I understand his pain. If it was anything like mine is now, I understand too well. In some ways, as time slips by, it is not about their death. Once they are gone and the shock eases, it becomes about you, the ones they left behind.

I do not go on without him for he is with me every moment. I move forward for there is no other direction to go. Many times it seems we are standing still, stuck in that moment. Stuck in a place in time that changed our whole life, changed us. The world has become a confusing, dark place and we no longer fit in it. What once brought smiles and laughter now brings sorrow and pain. Oh how it has all changed. Bittersweet moments are many as there are no bright spots without the shadow of those who have passed.

We all move forward whether we are willing to or not. The conveyor belt of time stops for no one even if we feel we are standing still. We resent that the world went on without our loved one, so we try not to go on too. We cling to everything about them, least we forget. We are so afraid of forgetting the sound of their voice, the curve of their face, their laughter. So afraid of losing anything about them. And still the world moves on. We look at their pictures constantly, searching. Will we see it in their eyes, something we missed at the time? We see their pictures different than we did before with the knowledge we carry now. It changes what we see. I see the sadness in his eyes. Or is that just me?

It's easy to resent those who can and have moved on, a side effect of what we have gone through. So many obstacles we must overcome in our quest to live a new life. We have to accept that others did not see our loved one as we do for we are all multiple sides of a prism. We show a different view of ourselves to different people. We have to learn not to resent the view they have that does not jibe with our own. The closer we are to someone, the more sides we know, but none will know all of the other. It is okay if others move on from this, that is the way of this world. You may feel alone, but really, you are not. Someone else loved them too, they just deal differently than you do. Just as we hide our sorrow in time, so do others.

I haven't figured out how to live this life. I try not to anticipate what the day will be for I know all too well that it can change in an instant. I don't look to the future for the same reason. At this point in time, I have moved moment by moment and have started to live day by day. I have had people walk away from me and learned to live with it. I miss Tim every moment but try not to dwell on it constantly. I know that 'closure, moving on, getting over it,' are just myths. I know that there are people who will never understand and there are many who do. We may walk alone but we are not alone. I know that the pain of today may ease tomorrow and may come back the next day. There is no schematic that is set in stone on how these things occur. I know that if I fall down, it does not mean I have failed or started at the beginning, it just means I fell down.

So many have said the pain never leaves. For me, no it does not, but it changes. It is still pain of loss, it is still grief, but it has changed. It is not every micro-second, but it is there. I think maybe one gets use to it being there, it is so much a part of who we are now, that the mind learns to deal with it in a new way. It takes it and bends it so we can live with it. No, not everyone will do that. I don't know why except that we all have something inside that helps us, but only if we want it to. It takes effort, will, want... all the things we lost when they died. The unimaginable came and ripped our world to pieces. We either rebuild or stand still, it is up to us, no one is going to do it for us. The world will still move on whether we go with it or not. Life is exhausting.