You Let Go

Sometimes because you love, you hold on.           And sometimes because you love, you let go.

Walking along the lonely beach, I saw her reading on the distant grass. My soul suddenly resonated with authority. “Go to her!” And I obeyed.

She entered my life like the fragrance of sweet subtle jasmine, wafting on warm breeze, and settling in my soul.

By the time I was conscious of the depth of her spirit, mine had already long been mesmerized by it.

She did not place herself above me. Even when she deserved it, she had no need to elevate herself. It wasn't her way.

She taught me that tenderness is the manifestation of true strength, and that silence masks wisdom from those who don't see.

From loving her my fears and flaws were exposed, yet she loved me freely in spite of them all.

I came face to face with my self-rejection and sabotage, then hated myself more for hating myself; so she loved me more.

She showed me the rewards of forgetting what I thought I had wanted in a companion, and embracing what I realized I needed.

My pride was bruised when I realized... she didn't need me. My heart burst when I realized she simply just wanted me.

She showed me what it's like to be loved and cherished for who you are, not for what someone can get from you.

Her brownies were dry and bland, yet divine, because she'd baked them just for me, and shipped them overseas to me for Valentine's Day. I tasted her love in them.

She wanted to please me, not from duty, but from love. I sought to do the same for her, but she seldom felt the need. She did not place herself above me.

Even though I loved her, I was self-centered. Even though she loved me, I could not be all she needed. We began to drift.

She told me she had a genetic health issue, that someday it would have to be dealt with. But not to worry, that was many years off. I swallowed it and tried to hold it down, hoping it would never arise again.

Our love hit a bump, and things cooled. It seemed it was either move on up or move on out. I hated that phase. Why was it ok before but not still ok now?

And then she got sick. She was bedridden. I had dozens of reasons to justify not getting on a plane to go be with her. And they were all bullshit. Why did I allow them to stop me?

It would cost me bitterly to let them stop me. I couldn't step up, but I couldn't give up. I hovered in a limbo of cannot commit, but cannot let go.

Months wasted away. Regret consumed me inside out. I yearned for a second chance to love her as she deserved. I had been self-centered, but I had been persistent, too.

And fate smiled on us. She was coming back for a few days, and a few days is all I needed to show her I'd awakened to the vastness of her goodness and purity.

Every single moment was cherished as eternity, and held sacred as Heaven. I thought of everything I could do for her and I did everything I could think of for her. All was bliss. Her smile made it so. I'd gotten my 2^nd chance to love her.

She gave me scarf that she'd started knitting soon after we fell in love. And I broke into tears when it occurred to me that it had taken her months to complete it, the very months I thought I had lost her. She had kept focused on the warm and radiant sun, not the clouds that had passed before it. Her faith struck me mute, and soaked me in tears. She did not place herself above me.

But she had changed. Physically she'd dimmed, yet somehow her soul had brightened. The dark brown eyes I'd gazed into before had transfixed me as bright, clear hazel pools of radiance. I saw her soul clearly in them. And I saw that she had come to say goodbye.

Later her grandmother and family told me that when she'd returned from visiting me, she'd been simply aglow, always smiling, and all she could talk about was me. She'd known the depth of my love, and by that I'd been at last redeemed.

A few weeks later, without warning, she entered a coma. Afraid I might not get there in time, I sent a message to her brother and pleaded with him to read it aloud in her ear to her, trusting her soul would receive my words. I told her she had to do what is best for her, and though I loved her, I would accept it for her sake. Now more than ever was the time I must place her above me.

Suddenly I sensed our souls' connection had...moved, and I knew she'd left her body.

She had died.

I've never known a hell like this before. It can only be experienced; not understood, not otherwise conveyed.

Writhing in agony, I screamed from depths I had not known were in me, calling out to her with the roar of my soul. In theory, I understood she had died. But in reality, it hit me like a train wreck in my heart, a train wreck that is looping in a perpetual state of impact. I could not endure her death unless I knew she still existed, even if in knowing so I could not understand how. Crushed in agony, I screamed for her to just let me know she still existed and was ok.

And in a moment of timeless clarity, her soul appeared above me as a violet aurora that undulated in place. Instantaneously she made herself known to me, and I fell silent in awe. In a flash, with just thoughts, she assured me she is completely at peace, and wants me to be, too. Her soul hovered above me until I was completely soothed. And that was the only time she'd ever placed herself above me.

You are meant to have read this. Although I cannot know the details of your grieving, I can share some of mine with you so that from what was shown to me, you, too, might see what is being shown to you.

We all doubt. We all question. We may sometimes even try to reason our way out of something that has been whispered to our soul. There is much we really do not know. But there is still much we can know. We need to empty our minds, let our endless thoughts and feelings diminish and fall away, and return to our true essence of calm awareness. We must be present to the wellspring of truth and peacefulness that is ever-present within us amidst the maelstrom of our mental chaos and emotional grief.

I can tell you this because I was nearly certain I could not survive her death, and even after her appearance to me, it has been a painful but steady process of facing, accepting, letting go, and stepping forward.

Your loved one that has passed....does not want you to continue existing in a dark pit of agony, depression and suffering because of their passing. Your loved one deeply and truly wants you to be well again, to begin living again... and your willingness to embrace that is critical to them. If you cannot do it for you, then do it for them. But let go of your grieving and be present again to the life you are still living now. Letting go of the grieving is not letting go of the love. It is fulfilling it.

Relentlessly wrecking yourself with grief can silently hurt those who love you, and even though your intention might be good, it does not validate or prove your love for the one who has passed on to what's next. On the contrary, it can burden them and keep them weighed down, unable to ascend to their next state. So do this for yourself and your loved one alike. It is good for both of you and it IS what they want you to do. Do not express your love by enduring unbearable suffering on their behalf. It is a misguided intention. Instead, take the good they showed you and in their honor, live it out, today, for the loved ones still around you. In that way, keep the essence of their goodness echoing right here on earth.

Find a quiet space, make a quiet moment, and let your love flow out like a river, and let the healing flow back in to fill you anew.

Sometimes because you love, you hold on.                     And sometimes because you love, you let go.

“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom.” ~ Jalaluddin Rumi