Using Anger Instead of Grief

I remember soon after losing my father that I felt angry. But Why? I have asked myself this question many times over the course of my life, usually after someone I cared for died. Here are a few things I learned on my journey of self-discovery.

Sooner of Later Everyone Leaves - or dies.

This is one of the truths we must all eventually come to terms with. We will lose people throughout our lives. Some of those losses will sadden and anger us, while others do not. I had to ask myself why this is true and I learned that it has a lot to do with our connections to the person we have lost.

When my father died I was first very sad, but then I became angry. How could he leave us? How could he just give up fighting and die? Why didn't he get treatments earlier? Why? Why? WHY? This was the toughest time for me with regards to this situation. I was a newlywed and I had a mother and four younger sisters depending on me for help. Soon I began to see that my questions were somewhat irrational. After all, Dad did not make the choice to die and leave his family, did he?

I realized I was angry because he left me to deal with my siblings and my mother all alone, and he would not be there for me! Yes, I was angry our of selfishness. Dad left me to fend for myself through life. Without his help, guidance, and understanding. I was downright angry, angry at GOD. It just was not fair!

But soon the anger left me as life moved forward and it wasn't until I lost my husband a few years later that this horrible anger resurfaced. I quickly recognized the symptoms. Feelings of abandonment, loss of support and loving from the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. Being forced into single motherhood, and something more. This time I was angry at my husband. Why did he refuse to see a doctor even after we begged him to go. This was one instance where it would take a long time to stop placing blame and forgive him for leaving us alone.

After a time I remarried, but that marriage too ended in loss. Another kind of loss. This time it was the loss of a dream. All I really wanted back then was to be a wife and mother. Oh, I know it sounds corny now, but it is the truth. This time my marriage was stolen by alcoholism. It came in, grabbed my husband and destroyed our lives. I never thought I could ever get a divorce, but alcohol abuse and the accompanying violence changed my views.

My anger at losing my self-respect by allowing myself to become an abused spouse was debilitating. But, eventually I forgave myself for being so weak and vowed never to lose that part of myself again, and I never have.One more try. I remarried several years later and this time everything seemed to fall in place, until...

Cancer took my husband and left me with a thirteen month old son and three other children. Angry probably isn't the best word. I guess you would say I was furious at God for doing this to me again. How could he leave me like this? What about my kids? But, again, as time passed I learned something. Again I was reminded of my selfishness. It was one night when my son told me he felt sad that is step-dad had died because now he could not take him fishing. Talk about out of the mouths of babes!

It was the slap I needed. No one, God, didn't do anything to me. It was simply that my husband's time had come. His cycle of life had run its course. It was not a deliberate attempt to hurt me, or destroy me. And I don't believe it was some sort of test. It simply was what it was.

Since then I have suffered more losses of family and friends. But I see now that the anger, whether short lived or long term, is really just a natural reaction to having something taken from you. A reaction to the feelings that you have no control, that you will be missing something you valued in your life.

No one really knows what happens when we die. We have beliefs, certainly, but to the best of my knowledge no one really KNOWS. With this uncertainty comes fear, and in fear we find a reaction such as anger. Yes, anger can be a result of fear. It is that thing that pumps the adrenaline through your bloodstream and prepares you for fight or flight.

But fear can also teach us. If you experience anger after the loss of a loved one, do not feel ashamed or alone. It is one of the natural progressions through the cycle of grief, much as death is the natural progression of the cycle of life. Look deeply into your anger and see if you may simply be afraid of living without...

Eventually the anger will go and bittersweet memories will emerge to take its place...Really! I know, I've been there, done that.

I am Barbara Cagle. 
At My Grief Site you will find a portal to help, inspiration, and stories that can help you cope with your loss. Take a peek at the one of the best kept secrets online since 2001.
I am Cagleonline 'Cutting my own way...sharing the life I have grown since 2001.