If I would have known...

You were dedicated that morning, we had only been at church for a few months but it was home. Your Sunday school teachers already knew your name, you danced and clapped in the aisles, and was brave enough to fight the pastor when he tried to hold you. 

That night at 11:30 you woke up crying so I picked you up, rocked you, singing your song: 

"Go to sleep little baby, go to sleep little baby, come lay your head on my warm sweet bed and be my ever loving baby.." 

Try to lay you down with no such luck. So I scooped you back into my arms and decided to let you stay up a little while longer. You weren't interested in toys, and your Spider-Man show wasn't what you were looking for, no no, it was my arms, my warmth, us. I was studying, taking an exam, but I cradled you in one arm, your head rested on my chest. You looked at me and smiled, I smushed your cheeks and kissed you all over your face, lips, neck. You laughed and laughed. 

Repeat. 

12:15; there's no need to finish this exam tonight, you were more important. After a quick check on Audri I took you to my room, turned off the lights and you immediately started crying. I played your piano lullabies on my phone, and you laid on my back smiling, jumping whenever new colors appeared. 

Life, it's beautiful. 

Before I knew it we were fast asleep, woke up the next morning and got you ready while you were still sleeping. 

07/25/13 

If I would have known...

I would have kept you home from school and taken you shopping with me.

We would have played in the aisles while you pointed at Spider-Man, Lightening McQueen, and Wreck it Ralph.

If I would have known.... 

I would have played Treasure all day long.

If I would have known...

I would have taken you to the doctor for your small fever demanding that you be admitted overnight instead of giving you medicine at the house. 

If I would have known...

I would have left the house dirty to clean it the next day and played with you two some more. 

If I would have known....

I would have let you watch the entire movie and not end it at bed time thinking you can finish it in the morning. 

If I would have known... 

I would have held you, skipped homework, because you were more important, smushed your cheeks, kiss you all over, cheeks, lips, neck, watch you laugh and laugh

Repeat. 

If I would have known... 

I would have stayed in your room all night...

If I would have known...

I would have asked God to send you to me sooner so I would have had more time with you. 

If I would have known...

I would have quit my job, spent that year and a half just being with you. 

Smushed your face, kiss you all over, cheeks, lips, neck, watch you laugh and laugh 

Repeat. 

If I would have known... 

I would have had Audri stay with Nani and Granpon, to save her from the screams, flashing lights, and terrors of that night. 

If I would have known... 

I would have dragged your dad to the delivery room and forced him to be apart of your miracle. 

If I would have known.. 

I would have taken more pictures and videos of us. 

If I would have known... 

I would have taken us to visit your uncle and great grandparents more often.

If I would have known that God had this heartache planned for the rest of my life, I would have still chosen you. 

If I would have known that I could feel pain in my heart, my hair, my nails, my skin, my soul all at once, and survive, I would have became Superwoman. 

If I would have known that your heart wasn't strong enough I would have given you mine. 

And now I hope you know that if loving you was all it took to keep you alive, you would still be here❤️ 

 

 

Your passing away gave me strength in The Lord, and my faith inspired people, and brought them to The Lord for the first time, or they finally returned. I cannot count how many testimonies people came to me with saying that if it wasn't for me and the faith I had after your passing away they would have never gone to church and built their relationship with Christ "before I shaped you in the womb I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day I had holy plans for you. A prophet for the nations". God used us, and I know when you walked into heaven he hugged you, kissed you all over, cheeks, lips, neck, watched you laugh and laugh, and said "Well done".