The Three T's for Grievers

If you are a bereaved parent grieving the loss of a child, here is some information to help you cope that I call the three T's for grievers.

TEARS

Crying is a natural and healthy emotion. You will shed many tears for your child now and probably forever. That is okay. Tears cleanse the body and soul. After a good cry, you are able to resume what you were doing. Don't let anyone tell you that it's been long enough; that you should not shed tears anymore, that you should get over it. Cry whenever you like or whenever you get the urge. Good friends will always understand. After 18 years I still cry at the smallest, most insignificant things that remind me of my daughter: a beautiful day where the sun shines, a beautiful sunset, a special song, a movie, a play...all the things that my daughter is missing because she is no longer here. I pick up seashells on the beach as she used to, but quickly throw them back. The intensity of the moment brings tears to my eyes. Most bereaved parents can think of many similar times. But when the tears dissipate, you, like me, will feel drained but better able to cope with another day. Our grief journey will last a lifetime.

TALKING

You need to talk, to let others hear your story, to let others know you want to talk about your child. Your child lived, was a beautiful human being, and you want him/her to be remembered. Let others help you through the grief process by being supportive. Talk to your spouse, your parents, your friends, your religious leader or a grief specialist. Don't tell them "how" you are feeling. Tell them "what" you are feeling. Certainly, don't pretend you are fine. You are not fine and will never "get over it." You may lose old friends who don't understand,you may have to rewrite your address book, but you will be challenged to find new friends who do understand and want to help. Those further on the grief journey can help you learn how to cope and will gladly try to be of help, because, in turn, by helping you, they know that they are also helping themselves.

TIME

Time is the great healer of human beings, but time does not heal our grief over the death of a child. It only softens the intensity of the grief. Hopefully, you won't always feel a heavy weight on your chest. You will eventually find a new normal, but life will never be the same as it was before this tragic death. Your grief is not on a timetable. Others can not expect you to heal in a few weeks, a few months or even a year. Everyone grieves differently and at different times and is entitled to move at his or her own pace. Men and women grieve differently and if married, be supportive of your spouse, understanding that they too are drowning in a sea of grief, however they express that grief. Other family members and friends should understand you will always have a hole in your heart for your lost child.

We, as bereaved parents, are dealing with the worst thing that can ever happen to us. We need friends and family members to be there for us through our tears, to hear what we have to say, any time of the day or night, no matter how long that journey takes. If you have close friends and family who will do that, then you are truly blessed.

Sandy Fox is the award-winning author of two books on surviving the death of a child. "Creating a New Normal...After the Death of a Child" discusses 80 articles on various coping techniques, has 10 inspirational stories, and includes a huge resource section. Her other book, "I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye" is 25 stories by parents who show how they moved on with their lives.