“Given Permission” by Kelly Farley

“Given Permission”

Some differences in grieving may arise from gender.  It is important to recognize these gender issues.  For example, a man’s feeling of helplessness in the face of grief and sorrow can manifest itself in guilt or anger and he may lash out to those who are closest to him.  The social forces that underpin a “macho” approach to life can push a man toward avoidance, denial or compartmentalizing emotions and even the grief journey itself.  He will need to attend to “grief work” but others may need to tread very carefully at revealing this truth to him.  Patience and understanding must blend with realism and indirect ways of showing him that he does not need to remain trapped in society’s straight jacket.  In some cases the male needs to be given permission to deal with his emotions and a “tender side” of life.

This is a truism written by fellow grieving dad and friend Charlie Schmidtke; in fact, it is one that I experienced as a grieving dad.  There are so many things in this truism that rings true for many guys.

“Man’s feelings can manifest itself in guilt or anger” – Not sure about any of you, but I felt both.  Guilt, because I didn’t/couldn’t protect my children.  Anger, because society says it’s ok for a guy to show anger, so I wasn’t shy about showing it.

“Trapped in society’s straight jacket” – As a guy, how can we not feel like we are trapped in society’s straight jacket.  Society expects men to behave differently when it comes to tough times.  They expect guys to pull themselves up by their “boot straps and get back at it”.  I don’t disagree with this approach on something’s, but trying to deal with the death of a child or severe emotional trauma is not realistic or a healthy way of dealing with it.

Read more: http://www.GrievingDads.com/given-permission-by-kelly-farley/