Another Christmas Without You

Sunday is the day of the week my love's beautiful heart stopped beating.  December 8th is one year and 6 months that you've been gone from me. The sun rises each morning and as I open my eyes... then.....I remember and my heart breaks all over again.

Everyday I wish I had you back and everyday the realization of the impossible brings the awful pain and emptiness that sometimes is unbearable. Each day runs into the next and each seems the same. The world doesn't stop but my world is on pause. I keep breathing and praying for God to ease the pain and the feeling of loss which is so great it cannot be explained. Our future and the hope we both had was destroyed by the evil that is cancer.

I feel robbed of my life and the love that no one can replace. A future that will never be. Oh how I wish I could have grown old with you. I envision the life we could have had. Moving on is hard.  It doesn't seem like a year and six months since God took you home. I have vivid memories of your beautiful face. The face I adore and love so very much. I also have vivid memories of the once beautiful face full of pain and suffering. I'm haunted by those images that play over and over in my mind. I visit your resting place almost daily and talk with you. I feel at peace there. As I know your soul is in the presence of our Lord Jesus and your spirit was taken back by God but your body is there and I want to be there too. It is my way of coping. My way of being close to you. My way of survival.

I've been asked by many, "Isn't it better now? Don't you feel as if you can move on?" I move forward because there is no other choice. I move forward because I know you want me to. I move forward putting each foot in front of the other living, breathing, and surviving because even though I don't want to, God wants me to.  I miss you no less and the pain is still excruciating. 

I face Christmas alone once more. Watching happy people live their lives with their loved ones. I also know that many families will be facing their first Christmas without a loved one. The "empty chair" we all face at one time or the other in our lives. The hardest part of life is death. I've faced the most difficult two years of my life and each year will be difficult and there is no way to avoid the pain. I never thought I would be here in this place.  In this lonely heartbreaking space that can't be filled. Life will never be the same.

I sometimes hear your voice and if I try really hard I can close my eyes and feel your arms and your strong embrace. Everything in our home is you. Will always be you. It's heartbreaking and comforting all at the same time. I miss you so much my love. I can still remember your touch. How it felt to feel your cheek next to mine. Those feelings are little blessings from God and will always be with me.

Facing Christmas alone again. Would I have you back if I could? Yes. Would I have you come back to go through the pain and suffering again? No.  I envision you in Heaven. I see you beautiful and strong. Smiling that beautiful smile with Jesus beside you with His arm over your shoulder. I know you are waiting for me. These visions are from God Himself. He is with me each and every day. I wouldn't make it without Him. What would I do without my best friend? He guides me daily. He feels my pain and my tears fall into His hands. There are so many tears. My heart aches to be with you and still after a year and a half, I feel my life has no purpose. I wait patiently on God to show me. It is so difficult to explain this to people.  They don't quite understand. Here I am in this place. In this space alone. No family and in your home town in the house that was once our home but is now just a house. People look at me strangely and wonder what I'm up to and how I'm doing without you. I see them staring and hear them whisper. I wish they knew that no matter how much time passes, I will love you and you are always going to be the love I lost which was the greatest loss of my life.  I will never let people forget you. You were an amazing husband and father. You gave me the best part of yourself and gave me such happiness I never knew existed.  For that and for everything you so selflessly gave to me, I will always be so thankful. Thankful to God for bringing you into my life and even though I lost you, I would do it all over again.  I love you Barry Bear and facing another day without you is as hard as it was the first day I had to face alone. Yes, I'm facing a Christmas alone but I know you are with the One we celebrate this season for. Nothing in this world can ever compare to the wonderful amazing place we all long to be. We will never be satisfied until we get there......Heaven.

Merry Christmas in Heaven my love, I miss you a little more each day than the day before.

I love you still and forever. 

Barry Douglas Beckermann

October 9, 1965-June 8, 2014