The Uncharted Path of Grief

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carmenmg December 21, 2015 - 5:07pm

Grief:

A twisting storm of emotions…

deep, cutting, crushing, confusing, disorienting

 

sorrow & joy

tears & laughter

 

releasing a breath in a passing moment of calm; “I’ve got this; I can do this”

gulping for air in a clenching vice-grip of pain; “I can’t breathe without you”

 

accepting the fact that you  really have passed on from this world

expecting you to walk through the door because it’s not possible you’re gone

 

smiling at signs you give of your loving presence

missing your voice, your laugh, your touch, your smile

 

feeling joy for memories of  the years we had together

dealing with guilt about those stupid petty arguments we had

 

looking through hundreds of photos of you that make me smile

crying a well of tears that there will never be another one taken

 

admiring the beautiful talent that you expressed through your art

agonizing over the loss that this is all there will ever be

 

being thankful that you’re relieved of all the pain you suffered

asking God in a dark moment of anger, “why did you take him away”

 

stumbling as I step forward without you on my life’s uncharted rocky path

falling down bruised and broken because I don’t want to live life without you

 

living one-moment-at-a-time hoping to make it to the next

striving to grope my way through the darkness of grief just more night

 

wishing for this tight dark cocoon of pain to release me into a rainbow 

hoping I’m strong enough to make it through this storm again tomorrow

thanking God that I will

 

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About the Author
On Jan 1, 2012 my husband, Michael, and I left our mountain home and moved to the tiny Caribbean island we had enjoyed and dreamed of for so many years. We felt happy and healthy. We never imagined that three years later on Jan 3, 2015 we'd be on an emergency flight off the island to a hospital in Belize City. Michael struggled with pain and weight loss every day and night, but we didn't know what was really wrong. A month later we took an emergency flight back to Colorado where he was in and out of hospitals. The diagnosis turned out to be pancreatic cancer. He passed away in June 2015. Although he suffered terrible pain, Michael smiled, laughed, and lived life until the very end. His spirit was very much alive even though his body became too weary to continue. He fought a good fight, he finished his race, and he kept his faith. Michael was a talented artist who had only sold a few pieces to friends. His life-long dream came true above what he'd ever imagined when he opened his own gallery on a tropical island. His kind spirit and joyful smile inspired and encouraged family, friends, and even people from around the world who shopped in his gallery. He, through his example, left a legacy of lessons on life and "living" to those who knew him and loved him. This world of grief is new to me. I've experienced loss and dark nights of the soul throughout my life, but this is deep, cutting, crushing, disorienting, surreal...and other times it's a quiet calm. I miss him so much, but I know that his love embraces me. I cherish more than 19 years of happy memories. Michael remains my shining star, my guiding light, my joy, and the love of my life. I find myself wandering from place-to-place after closing his gallery trying to find my way in territory I never wanted or expected to explore. I know he'd want me to live life, so I am trying to find the blessings in each place I go and adventure in each new experience....just as we did together. Writing helps me get in touch with my soul, helps me release and heal a bit, and helps me regain my creative spirit. And even all the better if my thoughts and words inspire or encourage others. ~ Carmen Myrtis-Garcia
I'm Grieving, Now What?

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