My Friend, My Enemy, My Grief

After my husband shot himself in front of me more than 2 years ago, I am a changed person.  I would like to say for the better ( in life lessons ), but I cannot.  Shawn & I were together 18 years.  He struggled with depression his whole life.  He was a man with a big heart and smile to match.  Although we were having some marital issues and were in counseling, I was not ready for him to leave my life.  I was not ready for it all to be over so suddenly.  I truly believe that the mind protects us from things we cannot fathom, things we cannot wrap our brain around..the unthinkable.  And that's what has gotten me thru this time.  I go to support groups, I journal, listen to music. I've become more spiritual, gotten in touch with nature.  But it's the internal struggle, the moments I can clearly hear him whisper in my ear or feel his head resting on my shoulder.  Is he really with me? Or is it just memories?  I haven't decided yet. I've put a protective wall up between my new husband & myself.  That way I can't get hurt again, if I don't put my heart fully into it.  But that's no way to live.  It's not fair to either of us.  Grief is a constant struggle.  It's become my comforting friend.  My most hurtful enemy.  Either way, it's always with me.