How I Wish You Were Here

They tell me to talk to you, that even though you are gone you can still hear me. It makes me wonder if you can hear the screams inside my head that have to stay there so no one knows how hard it is without you. I hope not. You see, even in death, I have that desire to protect you from bad things. When I'm alone I do talk out loud a lot, I guess in the hope that somewhere out there, in that vast eternity, you will answer me. Selfish of me to want you to stick around in a world that did neither of us any favors.

For so long I lived in a world devoid of sound, color, meaning. It took a long time to breathe again. When I did, the pain was even more unimaginable. I guess they would call that step one. That first step back to the land of the living. One forgets how to live. It all becomes trial and error and lasts a terribly long time. Discovering how much it changed us made the walk forward become steps backward. Still, we persisted. How hard this road has been. Never in my worst nightmares could I have imagined how this would be. How I wish it was just a nightmare.

They say we should be getting over this by now. We just kind of shake our heads but say nothing. We got tired a long time ago trying to explain that one does not get over the death of a child. There were a few things we got tired of trying to explain actually. Like how the person they use to know is gone now and this one in front of them is who we are. Yeah, that didn't go over well. A few got angry, a few walked away and a few accepted. That is the way the world works, isn't it? Always ready to jump out at you with a surprise or a shock? One is never prepared for that reality.

We live on a tightwire that sways violently in the wind. Always walking onward but trying to keep our balance for there is no net to catch us when we fall, and we will fall. Some of us will fall so hard and far that nothing will bring us back. Others are lucky, I guess you'd call it luck, they learn how to keep their balance most of the time. One day, sound and color come back. A bit of a shock that is. You don't realize how much the world has faded away until it starts coming back.

We don't talk about you much to anyone but each other anymore. It's not that we don't have that desire, but more because those who are not living this with us are done with it and thats okay, it's how it should be. I do wish they'd wise up though and realize that when something totally life changing happens, that is what it means, life changing. Everyone who knew you had their life changed in some way, some more profound than others. Yet, until they have lost their own child, they will never understand who we are, why we are. They will never understand that a loss can be so great until they have suffered that loss personally. We know and it makes us sad that every moment of everyday, someone somewhere is discovering what we know.

Maybe you've heard me say a millon times how much I miss you, love you, wish you were here. You will hear it till my dying day, if you can hear me at all. There is not much I believe in anymore so time will tell. Yeah, something else to learn. We try to keep our minds on those who are here with us. They are just as important, more parts of the whole. Strange how that missing piece can seem like everything is gone.

We started looking for the beauty in the world and it is there. It is not in humans, but in the amazing grace of nature where the impossible is possible. It's hard to keep our hearts so wide open, knowing how easy it can be shattered, but we try. Sometimes we fail, and then we try again. The pain has changed over time, not gone away, but changed. That is a good thing because we could not survive with the first raw anguish. I love you my son, I miss you will all that is in me and oh, how I wish you were here. My hope now is that wherever you are, is better than what you left behind. 'Forever Mom.'