Do We Have the Right Words?

by Jacqueline Jules

People often use the word, “healing,” when they speak to a person in mourning. Friends or relatives might ask, “How can I help you heal?” or “I hope this helps you heal.” And everyone has heard the platitude, “Time heals all wounds.”

As all mourners, I have been inadvertently bruised by remarks from well-meaning people. However, the word that seems to bristle me the most is “heal.” Healing implies going back to the person you were before. Anyone who has grieved knows that is not possible.

Of course, there are similarities. Someone recovering from an illness or accident grows stronger over time. Intense pain subsides. Energy slowly returns. If one is lucky, all that remains from a health scare is a scar, hidden by clothing. And the same can appear to be true for the grieving. A widower might remarry.  A bereaved young mother might have another child. People start foundations in the names of their loved ones and create organizations to help others. The loss of a loved one can lead a grieving person to find new directions and even new purpose. Have they healed? Or have they simply covered their scars?

When I remarried after losing my husband, I didn’t feel comfortable with others considering me as someone who had “healed.” I still don’t. There must be a better word for someone who has chosen to go on with life.  I have been searching for something appropriate. Adjust? Absorb? Maybe an adequate word does not exist. Maybe when someone says, “I’m sorry, there are no words,” they speak the truth.