Father's Day Grief

We are just a few short days away from Father's Day.  My behavior is becoming stranger and stranger by the second.  My grief has changed me. I am living on a roller coaster of emotions.  Some days are worse than others.  This week is not a good week.

Each morning I am bombarded by endless Father's Day spam in my inbox.

Order TODAY to guarantee Father's Day Delivery!!!

Don't forget Dad this Father's Day!  Order NOW!!!

And my personal favorite...

Order now for a guaranteed delivery AND a full year’s supply of popcorn for Dad!!

Popcorn? Doesn't the Popcorn Factory know my Dad died unable to eat? (PS I love popcorn)

For the entire month of June I have been taking a quick detour past the endless rows of Father's Day cards in the stores.

But not today!  

I was not going to allow myself to be held hostage by my grief, I thought I was being overly dramatic so I took a deep breath and strolled down the aisle with Father's Day cards.  Silently, I began to cheer myself on as I walked down the aisle.  So many happy daughters picking out the perfect card.  I began to think this should be ME!  I picked up a card and pretended for a second that my father was alive and healthy. I closed my eyes and envisioned hugging my father and handing him the card.

My daydream was interrupted by the girl next to me.  She was crying and sniffling.  I instantly became annoyed by her cries, I mean like my Dad is dead what is SHE crying about?

Her cries became sobs, the sounds of her heart breaking were suddenly deafening.  I pulled a tissue out of my purse and turned toward her. I was curious how anyone with a living father could be crying about in this aisle?

She smiled and apologized for creating a scene, in a very shaky voice she began to tell me her father was on hospice and he was dying.  Brain cancer, barley responding.

Instantly I felt very selfish.

I listened and slowly began to tell her about my father's cancer journey.

Then right there in the middle of the father's day aisle of cards with a total stranger we laughed, cried and hugged each other.

Grief touches lives beyond death.  

Loss and pain have no set format, no prerequisites.  There is no list or magic pill to be “OK.”  Grief ebbs and flows like an unpredictable tide.

Sunday will be my first fatherless Father’s Day for me.  When I grieve this Sunday, I will also laugh and celebrate my father, the amazing man who taught me to be strong and courageous. My Father's Day will represent a legacy full of love, laughter, and a rare strength forged through my pain.

I am my father’s daughter — forever.