I cried last night

I cried last night.

Grief/grieving what is it?

How do you do it?

I woke at 2am and felt sad.

I thought of the party & the jollity

The children and their parents

The lives that are growing yet to be released

into that warm and loving group.

The overwhelming sense of family

Each one it's own unit but joined so strongly to each other.

Did you ever think like that Mum?

Did you ever just sit and feel proud

to be a part of such an amazing group?

Did you see us cousins in the future never losing that bond?

Martha and Ben, one year apart.

The way she stops to hug & kiss him whenever she passes.

Was I like that with Nigel, Mum?

Did we ever share Birthday parties?

There's a year and a week between us

I feel that it was like that for me

When he was 1 and I was 2

Was it?

Grief/grieving what is it?

How should you do it?

For me, it means self-acceptance

It is the joy of realising that this is how you felt

when Grandma & Grandpa had us all there.

It is not all about missing you,

It is about understanding the enormous void in my very soul

It feels like I've had a major operation

and had a big chunk of me removed.

It's the emptiness that feels so strange

Grief to me is the loneliness I feel without you there

I am surrounded by family & friends

but not one of them is you.

If your death has taught me anything

It is kindness and understanding.

It has taught me to be kind to myself,

To accept the new me who feels lost without her Mum.

To say to myself,"It's OK. You don't have to be strong,

or put on a brave face"

It has taught me to understand that it is OK

to want some quiet time, to reflect & just be.

To realise that my head is often in a different place

but that it's OK, why shouldn't it be?

"Do unto others as you would have done to thyself"

I've always believed in that.

But what about "Do unto thyself......?"

I've always been one to put myself last.

Grieving is the time to put myself first but

even writing that feels wrong.

It's accepting the healing time.

It's following the doctor's orders

It's taking one day at a time.

The void in my soul will heal

It will become less painful, less raw.

With time it will become just a twinge.

There will be times when I will remind myself of you Mum.

That's what Mothers do,

they reincarnate themselves in their children

To ensure that their legacy lives on.

It's still so new to me,

these feelings of loss & emptiness.

But I know that I should not fight or bury them.

Just let them evolve

Let them take their own path in my life

I will let them be there, moving along beside me

On this part of my journey.

I know that they will become less obvious with time,

just give myself time.

Grief/grieving, what is it?

How do you do it?

No one can say

There is no right or wrong way

There is no self-help book.

Grief will be what it will be.

Grieving is how to live your life whilst grief is there.

That is how you do it.

That is how it's done.