What to Do When Grief Breeds Bitterness

“I don’t say much anymore. I’m too bitter. I’m afraid of what will come out,” Wes said.

Wes hadn’t said much since his son Cole died. Cole was a smart, good-looking, well-liked athlete. Late one night, the driver of the car Cole and his buddies were in lost control and veered off the road. The car flipped and took out two trees. Only the driver survived, and he walked away almost without a scratch. Cole was 15.

“I started out mad, and it went downhill from there. I went internal, and stayed there. I feel poisoned, and like everything I do or say is laced with it,” Wes shared.

Pain can produce bitterness

When a child dies, dreams go up in smoke. Long-held expectations are shattered. The future we planned on is gone.

Part of us died with our child. We’re shocked, stunned. We get sad, and angry. In some cases, the anger in us festers and spreads. We grow bitter.

Like anger, bitterness leaks. Similar to a slow but raging infection, it seeps into our souls and then pours out of our hearts and into our lives – and onto the lives of those around us. Losing a child is such a tragedy, such an unexpected shock that any of us can easily wind up here. Unexpressed, unresolved anger can give birth to a reservoir of bitterness, perhaps without us even realizing it.

Bitterness is not unusual in cases of child loss, but it is not healthy or helpful. The loss of a child is hard enough without being complicated by this internal, cold, festering rage. Bitterness can dupe us into indulging deeper in its poisons, causing us to pile up regrets that confuse and complicate our grief.

We can love our children by dealing responsibly with bitterness when we discover its presence. We can honor their lives and memory by learning to let go of this festering poison.

There is an old saying: “If the root is bitter, so will the fruit be.” Cleaning our roots can help us survive the loss of our child.

“Bitterness is easy to indulge in. Instead, I’ll choose to remember you by loving.”

Some possible action steps:

If you’re aware of bitterness forming in your heart, now is the time to begin to deal with it. Here are some possible action steps:

• Identify specifically what you’re bitter about and go through the process of beginning to release it.
• Talk to someone safe that you trust. Tell them you’re feeling bitter and that you need to vent.
• Go to a support group. Listen to the stories of others. When you’re ready, share that you’re growing bitter. Begin to get it out.
• Reach out to a grief counselor (try local hospices or grief centers) or therapist.

Like venom from a rattlesnake bite, the important thing is getting the poison out in healthy ways. Don’t let bitterness take over your heart. You’re too important and valuable. Take one of the above action steps today.

Adapted from the newly released bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child