A Widower's Christmas Wish List

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HerbKnoll November 25, 2019 - 1:48pm

From as far away as Australia to the British Isles, from Canada to Nigeria, the Widowers Support Network hears the cries of men who mourn the loss of their wife, their soul mates, their partners in life.  Widowed men don’t ask for much, never have, never will.  After all, men who mourn are expected to “get over it,” right?  You know, be a man. Mocho, if you will.  Unfortunately, that’s not the way it was meant to be. 

To grieve, you first must have loved.  For without love, grief does not exist.  To have loved is among life’s greats joys.  As such, it is unrealistic to think one who once loved doesn’t grieve when it is lost.  And with grief comes sorrow, tears, fright, despair, pain, loneliness, depression, aimlessness, and more.  Each of these behaviors is dangerous.  At times, life-threatening. Yet for some reason, widowed men continue to be held to a different set of expectations vs. widows when they experience the loss of their beloved spouse or a life partner. 

Following a speaking engagement in Connecticut, it hit me.  “Men don’t think they have permission to grieve.”  This is why they retreat to the shadows of our communities to mourn in private, many in total despair, for they wish not to be viewed as less of a man, then society would have them be. How sad for the widowers of the world, including our fathers, brothers, uncles, nephews, grandfathers, neighbors, friends, and colleagues.

In the Gospel of John (John 11:1–44), we learned of the story of Jesus’ dearest friend, Lazarus of Bethany, also known as Saint Lazarus or Lazarus of the Four Days.  Jesus loved Lazarus so much, he wept after he learned of his passing. So painful was Jesus’ loss, he decided to perform one of his most prominent of miracles in which he restored Lazarus to life four days after his death.  For those of the Christian faith (and I invite others as well), ask yourself, does anyone see Jesus as less of a man for his tears?  Jesus’ reaction to the loss of his beloved friend reinforces the view that grieving is a natural extension of one’s love for another.

As we approach Christmas when all of the Christian world celebrates the birth of the Christ child, and presents are so bountiful, do so with a new awareness of the plight of the widowed man. You may know a widower whom you are contemplating purchasing a gift.  But what does one gift to a widower? The answer lies in this article.

 

From around the world, widowers have shared with me a listing of the gifts they would genuinely love to receive. Don’t worry about the cost. The presents widowers seek won’t cost a nickel.                         

  • presentUnderstand that I am doing the best I can. With God’s grace and your support, I will endure.
  • Afford me your patience as I know not how long my grief journey will take nor how many emotional valleys I will enter.
  • Please permit me to speak my wife’s name in public.  Share my enthusiasm for the life and the years she shared with me.
  • Eliminate any expectations you have for me, for I fear I may cause you disappointment.
  • Check on me every week or so.  A brief phone call to see if I’m okay would be very much appreciated.
  • Please include me in events, occasions, and gatherings as you had in the past when my wife was still alive.
  • Pray for me that I will learn how to celebrate my wife’s life by living mine
About the Author

Herb Knoll lost his wife, Michelle, to pancreatic cancer on March 7, 2008. Knoll is a retired bank executive, marketer, and professional speaker turned widower advocate. He founded the Michelle’s Angels Foundation, Inc., a not-for-profit organization with a mission to “provide love, hope, compassion, and comforting music to those who quietly suffer” (MichellesAngel. com). Knoll also founded the Widowers Support Network in 2014 (WidowersSupportNetwork.com), so he could better serve, comfort, and assist widowers.

Knoll has previously served as a weekly columnist for the Rochester Democrat & Chronicle, a contributing writer for Sales & Marketing Management and Marketing Times magazines, and as an on-air talent for television commercials. As the former director of public and media relations for KeyBank (NY) and later as president of Marketplace Bank (FL), Knoll frequently appeared as his bank’s spokesperson on radio and television. PBS affiliate WNED produced and aired three-part series Today’s Executive, featuring Herb’s business insights, which were featured in his 1985 book, The Total Executive.

An inductee of the Buffalo/Niagara Sales & Marketing Executive’s Hall of Fame, Knoll went on to serve as the Executive Director of the 10,000+ member Sales & Marketing Executives International and was a charter member of the board of directors for Nap Ford Community School in Orlando. A former U.S. Army Reserve Drill Sergeant (E-7), Knoll is a proud member of the Knights of Columbus. Knoll lives in Lake Mary, Florida, with his wife, Maria.

As a bank executive, Herb Knoll was known as a man who could get the job done. But when Knoll lost his wife to cancer he found few resources that could help him recover. And the more he learned about the plight of widowers, from high suicide rates to physical and emotional problems, the more he became motivated to write a book with fellow widowers, for fellow widowers.

Knoll’s The Widower’s Journey tackles tough questions and provides advice on many topics, including:

how men can process grief keeping healthy during stressful times managing a career while coping with loss drawing strength from your faith reentering the dating world dealing with the issues that sex, dating, and marriage create parenting as a widower solving financial and legal problems preserving your late partner’s memory for yourself and for family and friends

Knoll breaks down barriers that block men in their journeys to recovery. He encourages men to seek out the fellowship of other widowers, and he provides resources that men need to move forward.

He also identifies how society fails widowers, and spells out how institutions need to change so widowers can receive the support they deserve.

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