My Child's Grief

My Child’s Grief

As the initial shock of Bonnie’s death started the wear off, pain took its place. With the pain I felt I then looked at my 12 year old daughter and could not imagine how she felt. As a parent we carry the grief of the loss of our partner. Then added to this is the pain we feel at witnessing our children grieve, and we have no idea how, or even if, we can help. My response was to research, read, and become educated on how I could understand and help my daughter.

My first connection was with Hope Edelman. She is the author of a book “Motherless Daughters: The legacy of loss”. She also manages a website and chat room for women that have lost a mother. I contacted her and got my daughter registered with her chat room.  I have read her book and it is very technical and full of information. She also sent me a number of books. “The Greif Recovery Handbook” was very helpful to me and helped me understand what grief is and what we were going through. A sister book to this is “How Children Grieve” which was written by the same authors along with Dr. Leslie Landon Matthews (daughter of Michael Landon). Dr. Matthews’s insights are important. She was a child when her father died and she talks of her inability to grieve because of the public nature of her father’s life.  Then in the library I found the book “Never the Same” by Donna Schuurman (founder of the Dougy Center, a place for families to grieve). This book is a compilation of her research from interviewing adults who had lost a parent or parents as a child. Their insights were very helpful because they were able to look back and discuss how their loss affected them and how they were now “Never the same”. 

They underlying theme I held onto was to be open and honest. Let your child know how you grieve. Let your children witness you expressing it. This goes a long way in making your child feel safe and in giving them permission to express their grief as well.