So Alone

Although I suspected my husband was losing his battle with ischemic heart disease, I did not want to accept it.  He had been in his own way preparing me for two months prior to his death in little things he would say and do.  He had been for the past two years getting everything in order here at home so that I would not have to worry about anything when he was gone.  Two nights before he passed, he started talking to me about what to give to specific family members, the night before he told me I was strong and I would be okay.  The next morning I woke up at 5:00 AM unable to sleep.  At 5:30 I finally got up.  At 6:00 I went into his room to check on him.  He wanted some water but was unable to drink very well so for an hour I fed him ice chips.  He kept squeezing my hands and thanking me for taking such good care of him.  He then asked me to cover him up and let him sleep for an hour and come back then and check on him.  I told him "I love you" as I always did when he would lie down for a nap.  Fifteen minutes later he left this earth and moved on to Heaven.  I did not know until about 45 minutes later when I checked on him and saw that he had passed.  My heart cried out in pain as I stumbled in the hallway.  I called 9-1-1 to have them send someone out.  The paramedics confirmed he had passed and the coroner gave me the time estimate of his passing.  The one consolation I take is that I took care of him at home as he had asked and that he was no longer suffering.  He did not have a heart attack; his heart just stopped beating as he slept.  I had asked God to allow Ray to die at home when his time came and He answered.  I know Ray is in Heaven and has been watching over me.  Some days I can think of him without tears and others, I just cannot stop crying.  I miss him so much.  I am thankful for the 38 1/2 years we had together.