Until Death Parts Us

I use to think that after a person was gone that it was the end, that everything that was shared was no longer, not ever thinking that one day i'd be where I am right now. That's just it so often people think what they think never understanding that in the quickest of ways life gives you a strong lesson to the thoughts you once believed. It is those moments your taken away with no breath, with no words to be spoken. Often enough I found myself so strongly caught up in how it was I thought things were I forgot to understand that what we seem to think is very little to what life has to teach you. From the bad, to the pain, to the good, it is precious to us all to feel those lessons, to understand that sometimes how we see things are in fact not what it is. For me it is a treasure when life creeps up to you to teach you the lessons you sometimes ignore, to find that piece of the puzzle that wasn't fitting due to your perception on how you felt it should be. I strongly know now just because you don't see something there doesn't mean that there isn't. I feel now that in all around us lays the love of those we lost, every where we see, every where we look, everything we touch. That even though not here in the flesh the love made lingers in all the space in between, that the love created carries through you, stays in your heart, walks with you through all the walks of life you go through. That in that pain you find in the oddest of ways the most beautiful of experiences awaiting for you to see. That in pain you become the person you should of been all along. Through that pain it is as though we are reborn, everything becomes new to our touch, smell, sight, our hearts open just as the day we were born.

On the day I took my wedding vows I knew that i'd be a widow at the same time I was vowing to love forever, yet in those moments is when I started to have flash backs, it was when the lights turned on even brighter. In those moments was when I understood love lives far beyond the flesh, that it wasn't about the outside of someone, love was feeling it, love was looking to someone but seeing through them to the very core of their heart, knowing that love would forever be felt, that even though not here in person the love never goes anywhere. I remembered the first days of finding my husband passed, how we felt that love, not for what we looked like yet by how we felt inside. I never fell in love with my husband for his looks, I fell in love with the heart that connected to mine. That was the day I understood oh how proud i'd still be to be his wife even after he was gone. I understood that even if our future as husband and wife would be short that our love would be for eternity. Our daughter is a reminder to my heart that every day he smiles to us both through her, that in her lays a big part of both of our love. Through her I see a blessing of our life we created together. Loves not about flesh, it,s about lasting a life time in us, it's about the feeling it gives to us inside. It's knowing in all the empty that lays between us that it is there.This month lays many special occasions for my husband passed and I, our wedding anniversary, our anniversary of meeting each other, our daughters birthday, this is why I choose to post about what it is I feel, how I still feel even after all this time of being a widow. Looking back to our life I remember how it was I felt even when my husband passed was not with me, even though not with me I still could feel him , I still felt our love, to me that is how true love lasts forever, it is in the feeling that lays in us even after out of sight. The feeling still remains, the memories are still there, it is the love that remains after everything that proves even though not seen they still remain with us. In the empty around your love fills that area, their love fills every empty space around you. Even after almost two years of losing my husband I still feel our love as the day we met. I still have tears, I still have bad days, yet through it it's our love that lifts me through it. It is that strong feeling of love that carries me when I feel I want to give up. No matter how long is not what it is about, it is our heart that carries that love, so each day we will feel that loss although in that love we will be able to see through it all. So as true love is forever so is grief. Moving forward with your life is not about letting go, it's not about forgetting them, it is about living up to that love to be who they always wanted you to be, it is about honoring their life through living yours. It's about building to your new life yet bringing in the old, it's about carrying the love with you as you go through the life your building now. Finding the little things they loved bringing it into your days. Everytime you feel that feeling of love close your eyes to understand they are not seen but there. The love that you created never ever goes anywhere, that love lives on in the feelings you feel, it lives through you. Although on days you miss their face, your heart will comfort you in the feelings you felt when they were here.To this day when I start feeling the pain, the tears, I remember how when my husband passed was here how he disliked seeing me like that. I remember how every day he always told me "I just want you to be happy", that the love we shared was what brought the smile back to my face. So through it all I feel the feeling of our love to understand that is what rises me above all the bad that tries to invade my heart. Sure we can't stop the bad days yet we also don't have to give in to it. This year is no different then last year or the year before, it will be taken one second at a time, it's not about getting easier, it is about making it through the best way that you can. It is about honoring your love to understand in pain there is no room for honor. Being grateful for the love you were blessed with, cherishing that love and carrying it out in the life you live. Take the days to do nothing but feel, let the feeling guide you through the days of importance to see that love will always over power the tears. Finding it in your heart to know that is exactly where it started, your heart."So long as we live they to shall live and love for they are a part of us, as we remeber them" ~ Gates of Prayer. So through us they live, it is not through the pain they can be happy, yet only when we understand to be happy to honor them in brightness not gloom is truly when they are living on in us. Finding room in your heart to over come that pain is truly where you will find they will be with us. Not to long ago I could feel myself being consumed in the memories of my husband passed days he was here, I felt the pain coming back trying to invade my light, I could feel myself giving in, tears were shed, many days of hurt were spent, I felt my hope, belief, happiness was far from me, I than realised the feeling I felt of our love was gone, I focused my all on that feeling to understand that in that pain is where our loved ones passed are truly gone, that in that pain is where they can not be, so the longer we keep feeling that pain is to shut out the love we share. Yes some days is a battle yet knowing it is the love you want to be with you to feel, to know in that is where they are is all the knowing you need to fight that battle. So this year through it all I choose our love, I choose to feel that love, I choose to honor our love just as though it was the same when he was here. Getting side tracked through it is no mistake it is a lesson and learning we understand is dealt to us so we soon enough turn on our own lights to understand what exactly it is we need to do, to know the difference of where our love lives on, in happiness not pain. Sounds cliche but if you go through the darkest to the brightest of moments you soon enough see that is exactly how it is."When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for which has been your delight". ~ Kahlil Gibran. This quote is my favorite, this is the one I keep reading to myself over and over again on days I feel the horrific pain coming back. This reminds me that the pain has no place near what it was that brought the best gift to my life, that my husband passed was not about bringing pain to my heart yet nothing but absolute unconditional love. So where that love lays pain has no reason to be there. The best way to cherish their love is to keep fighting that pain away, our hearts have no room to share with the pain that tries to take up room. I remember saying "In grief is where i've found unconditional love", in my grief is where I hold our true love, our uncondiditonal love, so the pain has no reason, no room to be there in that love.Remembering our greatest of memories is what I constantly do, grabbing a hold of all of them tightly to fight the fight on days of great despair. As hard as it may be some days, I always find myself through it looking back smiling in knowing our love is never going anywhere. Sometimes as I stare pain in the eyes I see that maybe today it will win, to wake up and realise that not ever will it succeed because in that pain is where I gather more strength. In that pain is where the toughest of lessons will be. Pain can be a blessing if we allow it to not take over yet fight it to learn our lessons along with wait for the next round. Through it all we soon discover that it never really did have a hold of us, we just allowed it to stay. Feel it, fight it, conquer it, in the conquring is a piece of your strength every time. Never be afraid to feel it, it is there for a reason, it is not there to stay. My husband passed has blessed my life in knowing that through it all our love will always be the strength behind me in every thing I fight. I remember our love, I remember our life, I remember his smile, through good to bad is all what made me who I am today. I look back to the person I was before smiling to where I have made it today. NOTE TO ALL: This year through all of our anniversaries I will embrace our love, feel that love yet this time I am not going to be afraid of the pain, I won't be afraid of the tears, I will know no matter what through it I will make it, that through it with my heart open I will embrace the lessons, the wisdom, the knowledge that will allow me to grow until the next anniversaries that will be. Understanding that in it all is where I will find me, where I will find pieces of my life building to a stronger, fuller, whole me. I honor our love to live these days out by loving what it was he loved doing. That even though missed his love is still around me. In the empty space all around me I will feel our love, I will see pieces of our life is all around. I remember our incidents of skunks and raccoons smiling now to this day I see them all the time. It is through the littlest of things that are signs that our love never goes anywhere. Most of all I remember his smile, it was that smile that started the love he gifted to my life, our life. True love lasts forever, that is just not a fairytale line it is words spoken to believe in. Tonya Ouimet