Taking Care of Ourselves

Hello to whomever comes across this article. We are all sorry to be here, for the sad event that caused us to look to others for help.

I wanted to write a short note and hope it benefits others along our journey. We lost our son Kevin Michael Kochan in July of 2008 when he was just a bit past 22 years old, to an accidental overdose in New York, where he had just moved  from Ct to work in the Ritz Carlton. He went to Culinary School and we have many secondary losses to mourn besides his physical loss.

I work as a Primary Care doctor, but this article is not medical advice! It is about how we must somehow someday take good care of ourselves. In those darkest hours early on, I would wager that all of us would at some point or another wish that we could be taken, and not have to suffer the loss of our child. Later, we realize that we cannot make that deal. But I do believe that we are very vulnerable in the early phases of our loss. We neglect our eating and sleeping and avoid things that, God forbid, might be of some joy. We drop old hobbies and we get dropped by old friends...(the real friends never leave us, by the way.)

I am now 5 years out. The pain is certainly less acute, but it kind of just hangs in the air around us, causing all thoses fears and periods of depression and anxiety that are a natural part of the mourning process. But I am asking the reader to, at some point in this ongoing process, please stop and smell the roses. In spite of all the bad things we face and will face, there are some good things around us; maybe we just don't see a kind gesture or go do something fun as easily as we used to. But I hope that each of us can look around our surroundings and focus on things that are comforting, rays of light in the grey fog we muddle through; if we are blessed to have surviving children, we must not forget them and their need for us to survive as well.

At some point, if we begin to venture out into our new and different world, to me that is a sign of healing, an attempt to close that dark hole in our hearts. No matter what you have to do to get to that point, keep trying. Maybe it is couseling, maybe finding a support group to go to, look to others who are farther down the road. Do not feel guilty that you start to laugh again or enjoy something once more. 

I myself am feeling like I am in a better position to move forward, thanks to the support of others in my support group. I also fully know that someday my life will come to an end, as it does for all of us. I beg and plead for all us parents to take care of ourselves, make the best of whatever time we have left in this life, and feel comfort in knowing we did the best we could. For those who believe in an afterlife, live this present life to the best of your ability, and look forward to whatever comes next. And even if you have no belief in an afterlife, you still have to take care of yourselves and try to help others along the way. Peace and good health to all who come across this.

Charles K