Who Should Grieve?

A few days ago I received a text from a woman I was on friendly terms with back in Vermont.  She is a more than just an acquaintance but not quite in my inner circle.  We all have people like that in our lives.  They fill the spaces between family and close friends and make up the majority of the patch work that is our own personal community.  If it weren’t for those people, we would have huge gaping holes in our lives.

During the course of the 'texting' session (she prefers texting over talking, unless the talking is over dinner and a bottle of wine), she mentioned that a gentleman she knew died suddenly and unexpectedly.  She added that she didn't know this gentleman long.  He was her dog's trainer and she'd been working with him for a few months learning how to handle her new pups.  He was in his 70's, an avid runner and seemed to be healthy.  The death was devastating to his wife, family and close friends.  She then said "I barely knew him.  He was a really wonderful person and I enjoyed learning from him but I feel like I'm grieving and that is just ridiculous.  I only knew him for about 3 months. I really need to get over this but I can't."

Regardless of whether a death is anticipated as in the case of an illness or unexpected, the people who are left behind struggle with what has happened.  Most often we refer to those who have passed as loved ones.  The focus is truly on how the family and very close friends are coping in the aftermath.  But, what about those who make up the rest of the patch work of the decease's life?  How do they grieve?  These are the people who don't feel they have a right to mourn because they didn't know the deceased well or perhaps they did know them well but not openly?  Are their feelings discounted because they don’t 'fit' the list of who should be mourning?  It made me wonder where they get their support. 

My friend felt uncomfortable in the way the death affected her.  She truly believed she had no right to feel any grief. Upset yes, but grieving, well that is for those closest to him and he was only her dog’s trainer.  Though she enjoyed working with him she didn’t understand why she felt the way she did.  During the conversation she qualified it by saying "I know this sounds silly..." 

It is not silly.  Every one of us here, every one of us reading this should constantly be reminded that we all affect each other's lives.  We forget that outside of our close personal relationships there are countless others we interact with all the time.  Deaths leave holes.   For my friend to discount her feelings as 'silly' or 'stupid' and to wonder why she hasn't yet moved on, doesn't honor the fact that this other Soul touched her life in the most profound way and that is by human interaction. 

That, my friends, is why we are here in first place, to touch each other's lives. 

Anyone can and should be able to mourn. It is something that we should embrace as a society, acknowledging the absence of someone who has touched our hearts is the ultimate form of honor and gratitude that we were able to share in the magnificence of another person’s existence.

Grieving is not a privilege reserved for a selected few.