A Resource for Widowed Fathers

You don’t have to be a psychologist or a bereavement care specialist to appreciate the impact that a mother’s death has on the family system and on a child’s developmental trajectory.  If you are part of a family who has experienced such a tragedy – or if you know of such a family – the evidence is likely all too clear.  As heartbreaking and life-altering as the death of a mother can be, there are resources – online, support programs, bereavement camps – available for children to address their grief and facilitate their adjustment.

However, what often has the greatest influence on a child’s adaptation to his or her mother’s death is how the surviving parent – most often the father – copes and is able to adapt to life as an “only” parent.  To that end, there are virtually no resources available for this population of grieving men.  Grief support groups are primarily populated by females and books about grieving the loss of a spouse are often written by, for, and about women.  This may be due for by several factors such as societal expectations that men should grieve differently than women, which is supported by research findings showing that male widowers are less likely than widows to seek or receive emotional support.  Regardless of the reasons, the result is that men tend to suffer in silence.  For widowers with children in the home, this tendency affects the way the whole family system grieves.

I and my colleague at the University of North Carolina, Dr. Donald Rosenstein, run the Single Fathers Due to Cancer program [perhaps hyperlink the website: http://singlefathersduetocancer.org] to fill the void of services offered for widowed fathers.  This one-of-a-kind program strives to help widowed fathers cope with their own grief, shepherd their children through their grief, and figure out the confusing and sudden world of being an “only” parent.  The program began in 2010 as a monthly support group for widowed fathers in central North Carolina.  It has since expanded to include a research component and, most importantly, an outreach effort to reach and connect with widowed fathers all over the world.  To achieve this goal, we have created a website specifically for widowed fathers whose wives or partners died from cancer: http://singlefathersduetocancer.org.

The website is not a commercial entity and exists solely as a resource for fathers to access.  The site offers support, resources for fathers and their children, information on grieving and parenting, and recommendations for connecting with a grieving child.  Also, there is a series of short videos featuring the fathers in our support group talking about their experiences since their wives died.  The fathers in our support group often said that early in their grieving process and while they were figuring out how to be single parents, they often questioned their own sanity and constantly feared they were “messing it up” for their children.  One of the things that helped assuage those feelings of self-doubt was meeting with other fathers in the support group who had similar experiences.  While the website and series of videos is not the equivalent to face-to-face interaction, our hope is that fathers visiting the site will feel a sense of kinship and level of connectivity that will temper their grief and help facilitate their coping.  There is a lot to be said for the comfort we feel in knowing we’re not alone.

The other goal of connecting fathers to the website is to help with the creation of other support groups similar to the one we run.  We see no reason why support groups for widowed fathers due to cancer should not be offered at all community bereavement support programs and major cancer centers.  On the website, there is a page where fathers interested in joining a support group to give their contact information.  Once we reach a critical mass of fathers in their specific area, we will work with local providers to help get a support group started.

One challenge the Single Fathers Due to Cancer program faces is in reaching these fathers to inform them of the website and potential for starting support groups.  It is, in part, for that reason that I was so interested in writing this column for The Grief Toolbox.  It is my earnest hope that by reaching out directly to those experiencing and working through their grief, that more fathers may become aware of our program and website.  If interested, please take the time to visit the website and share it with any families who may benefit.

Thank you all for your time and attention.  If you have any questions or are interested in learning more about our program, please feel free to contact me directly at [email protected].

Best,

Justin

Justin M. Yopp, PhD

Single Fathers Due to Cancer Program

University of North Carolina – Chapel Hill

Chapel Hill, North Carolina