Watching for Miracles amidst Anticipatory Grief

By Harriet Hodgson  www.harriethodgson.com

Anticipatory grief is a feeling of loss before a death or dreaded event happens. When my husband’s aorta split at the end of October I felt intense anticipatory grief. He had three operations in less than a week. During the final, 13-hour operation he had a spinal stroke and his doctors doubt he will ever walk again. This news intensified my anticipatory grief.

My feelings went back and forth like a pendulum. Sometimes I was so sure my husband would die that I planned his memorial service. I knew what hymns we would sing, selected the readings, and found a video of the Air Force hymn on the Internet. For years my husband had served as a Air Force flight surgeon and the hymn would be appropriate. What’s more, the hymn would honor his service.

But other times I thought my husband would live. The surgeons who operated on him were ecstatic about their “save.” Though the surgery was life-threatening and his heart developed problems, he had survived. Every time I visited him in intensive care I said the same things: “You’re alive. You’re doing well. I love you.” With agonizing slowness my husband was improving and, as weeks became months, these improvements became more evident.

After three months in the hospital my husband was transferred to the rehabilitation floor of a local nursing home. Today, he is more lucid, trying to stay upbeat, and with help from his physical therapists, determined to build upper body strength and leg muscles. To keep him company and encourage him to eat, I visit him at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We talk about what’s happened to him and a recent conversation focused on miracles.

“Do you realize how many miracles you’ve had?” I asked. He nodded his head in agreement.

“First, we live close to the hospital and I got you there in time,” I began. “Second, one of the world’s experts in dissections happened to be operating that day,” I continued. “You’re alive and that’s quite a miracle. Finally, it’s a miracle I found a partially finished town home for us that we could customize for you.”

Tears filled my husband’s eyes. “After all the surgery and anesthesia I’m pretty emotional these days,” he admitted. Both of us have been through a lot and both of us are emotional. The experiences of the past few months have made me more aware of the kindness of others and the miracles that come into our lives.

You may be in despair now, lost in the darkness of grief, and unable to see any light ahead. I understand your feelings because I’ve “been there.” But if you meditate each day, pray when you feel like it, and live each moment mindfully, I think you will become more aware of miracles. The dictionary defines a miracle as an event attributed to a divine or supernatural cause. Miracles can be small, such as getting help from a stranger, or they can be large, like my husband surviving intense, invasive surgery. Become aware of the miracles in your life and grateful for each and every one.