Not Simply Dying

I have to be honest...the day that the Doctor told me that my Mom would live a year or less I became consumed with her death. Every waking moment inside or outside of the hospital it was all I could think about. I made it my goal to educate myself as much as I could about her condition which was very rare. I checked over her like a nurse at every visit, pulling back the sheets to examine her and check her for new ulcers or bruises. I read her medical charts like a medical student. I took my role as her Health Care Proxy very seriously. Many times it was helpful to her. Other times it left her simply wanting her daughter.

As my Mom deterioriated, she continued to fight. She never gave up her will to live. Never accepted that this was the plan for her. My daughter, her only grandchild was only 6 and there was so much more life left to live. So many more memories to make and love to give. It broke my heart every time I was there. I left in tears each and every time. As time went on I didn't even attempt to hide my tears. I openly wept at her bedside. She was in pain and suffering yet she chose to remain on dialysis because it meant more time with us, her family. She suffered through amputations, sepsis...I could go on and on. I often asked her why she was doing this to herself. I told her she could let go and stop suffering. Her reply was that she wasn't ready to leave her children.

It took my daughter to put it into perspective for me. My child drew a picture at school. It was of my Mother's hospital room. It was identical. In the picture was my Mom in the bed and my daughter standing beside the bed. Both she and my Mother were smiling. I instantly felt such a horrible sorrow. I asked my child if it made her sad to visit her Grandmother in the hospital. She replied, "No. See? We are both smiling. We are always happy to see each other".

That was when I suddenly realized that my Mother was not simply dying, she was living. However painful it may have been every day was another day of life. Another day to smile, to hold someone's hand, to laugh at a joke. My Mother was not ready to go because she was cherishing every minute, every hour. She saw every day as a gift. When I began to see it that way too it made her time left here with us a happier time. Of course my heart was still breaking but at last I was able to simply enjoy being around my Mother and be grateful for it.

My Mother passed at 57 years old March 25, 2010. The saying goes that a woman is born twice; the day she is born and the day her Mother dies. I have never heard more true words. I struggle with my loss. My life literally has become a state of before and after. I have not found the peace that I have been seeking since her death. I am, however, very grateful that I was able to understand her needs during her illness and love her until her last breath.