They are only words

When my feet were first set on this lonely path, I did not go silently. I screamed Tim's name, begging my husband to save him, to breath life back into him even though Tim had left hours earlier. In those seconds, I became broke, I became no body. Roughly, horribly, without my permission, I joined the suicide club. A club that is a lifetime membership with no way out. A club that has members without end and more joining everyday. A club of the lost.

I am not a novice to suicide, it has touched me through out my life but it never touched me in this way. The loss of my child by his own hand. There are so many levels to grief that it is never ending. It is not that my grief is any greater then anyone else. It is that all grief is different. So many times I have been asked when the pain will stop. I cry as I reply, 'it never stops,' and I hope that they understand what I mean when I say, 'but it does change.' For some though, it never changes and I have no answers as to why. Only they have that answer, hidden deep within themselves. I cannot give hope, I can only tell where this has and is leading me. I feel ineffective to help others when my sorrow is so great, all I have are words. All I have are words.

There was a time that I thought if anything happened to either one of my kids, it would be the end of me, I would not survive. In a way, that came true for who I was is gone. So why am I still here? It's simple actually. Tim is a big part of my heart, my life but he was not the whole total of that life. My daughter, grandsons, husband, they have just as big a place as Tim. In grief, one tends to forget, and sometimes not to care, that there are others who mean just as much to them. We are incapable of caring for a while, sometimes for a long time. Our whole being is so filled up with the horror that happened, there is no room for anything else. It is as though some alien had taken over our emotions and pulled our strings. We have to push ourselves to learn to let our love out again. If we don't, it will remain dormant, unfulfilled and those who love us will have lost. The other reason I am still here. The talks I had with Tim. I told him to never give up, you never know what is waiting just around the corner. His pain was too great to wait. Now I wait in his place.

My heart was completely eclipsed, consumed by Tim's death. The reasons he is gone, the way he is gone, the emptiness of where he belonged in daily living. Of course, he is in my thoughts all the time. Yes, I cry when I am alone and sometimes when I am not. I grieve for him every second. But, I allow myself to step sideways, to love my family and acknowledge them. To give them validation that they are loved just as much as Tim is. Fear of losing them also terrifies me at times, but it terrifies me more that I had a chance to love them, hold them, talk with them and turned my back instead. So I step sideways and talk with them, love them, play with my grandsons. In doing this, I see the sun again in a little boys laughter. I see the world through others eyes when mine only sees darkness, hopelessness. I hear the vibration of joy. It is not a disservice to Tim to live, it is a dishonor not to. But you see, this is how I view this new life. We much each find that path on our own, in our own way.

There are and will be many, many times though out the day that my breath will be taken away. I will hear something, see something, smell something that takes me to moments of deep sorrow. I know that is the way life will be now so all I can do is go with it until it passes. My hope for the future is that those moments become less even as I know they will never leave completely. Who knows? For me, that may happen, it may not. I have to accept things as they are to live in this life. I don't know what is around the next corner.

So much has changed and I think I mourn the loss of all of that too. So much to mourn. It is more than a life that has passed, it is also a way of life, a way of thinking, a way of how I once saw the world and the people in it. The emptiness is more than Tim, it is everything. I have to fill the spaces and learn a new way. His space will never be filled as it belonged only to him. I have walked away from people who have no compassion so there is loss too. Yet it is like decluttering your life with all that is not needed in it. Where once, I found excuses for others bad manners and cruel words, I have no place for them now. My priorities and own compassion have changed. For a while, I thought I had lost compassion until I started reading others stories, shared their sorrows. I cry for those who have lost that love just as I cry for myself.

I can only write words, but in the writing, I find ease for a little while. In the story telling, I find meaning for myself. Sometimes, it is hard to write as the feelings overwhelm, but I push on. Can you find something that will take you away for a little while? If you can, do it often. Reality waits no matter what we do, so we might as will search for those moments of ease, even if it is only in the words we read or write or the sharing we do with others.