Part 1 The Journey from grief to living (will be writing on this till i reach where i am now) 2 February 2014 at 13:49

Every journey has a beginning, either by choice or circumstance.  Mine began in November, 2010.

I knew something was different with my husband but he was acting as if everything was fine.   We had been struggling ever since 2009 as work seemed to fall off the planet.    Soon it was evident that Bob was sick and we suspected cancer.  By Christmas he was having great difficulty eating and weight was coming off his body.  Each day brought new challenges and i sold many things to purchase quality liquid nutrition for my husband.  He was so stubborn and refused to go to the doctor.  July 2011 Bob is so thin and spending much of his time in bed or in his recliner listening to Hosana music and Bible tapes.  He can no longer speak as the pain is to much for him.  The cancer is taking his toung  and i cry silently, alone longing to hear his voice once more.  Now i find myself going on drives to release the pain and agony as helplessness overtakes me.  After all i have to be strong for my boys.  They do not need to see me loose it.  So i pull over and scream, cry and pray as i feel my heart being crushed by the reality that my husband was dieing.  This is not how it should be, the dream of growing old with my soul mate is crumbling before my eyes.  This is not my fight although i would surely take it if given to me, but i am only a spectator to the greatest fight i have ever witnessed in my life.  Death is in the corner waiting for the bell to ring.   I drive home and square up my shoulders.,walk in my home putting a smile on my face as i see my sons.  They are believing for a miracle, surely God would not allow death to take their dad from them.  (HOPE- a powerful thing,even if it is false hope.) For now hope is a life line for my sons., a oasis in the desert of truth.  I spoke to my sons only once, and explained that it was very possible there father would not win this battle.  They prayed and believed and for a time this FALSE hope gave them peace.  As the months progressed Bob was finally convinced to go the the hospital.  Now his pain is being managed and the trips to Barns Jewish hospital began.