Learning to Survive

Looking back to how life was before Tim lost his fight, I see that, in it's own way, it was good. I had both my kids who had kids of their own. Times could be hard, but we always made it through. I look back and see now, what I didn't see then. We all have blinders on to the absolute suffering of others. Some have a natural empathy that though they have not suffered personally, they feel others loss. I wish those blinders had stayed on, but they did not. I cannot conceive of every person feeling what others are going through. I think that if they did, that energy alone would destroy the world. That may seem extravagant, but until one feels this deep, deep suffering, they cannot imagine the totality of this grief, the horrible dark energy it emits.

The past should stay there, but it won't. They say to pull out your memories and hold them close, yet they are the past. They tell you to let the past go and cling to it at the same time. We have memories of the past for a few reasons. We learn from it, we grow from it, we remember our lost love ones from it. You cannot let it go and forget it. Neither the good nor the bad. So what do we do with it all? The pain, the joy, the lessons of the past are who we are, who we can be. They have their place even in the pain. When the memories of that night push themselves to the front of my mind, I push them back. I will never forget, but I cannot live with them always before my eyes. I choose to remember his laughter, his smile, the brightness of his eyes. I choose to remember his forgiving nature, his love for others.

These months have taught me things that maybe I wish I had never known. They have also brought me a different way of life and a different way of looking at everything around me. I see how I have changed. I do not trust as I once did for a few have taught me that trust is not only earned but not guaranteed when the chips are down, it's only an illusion. I have learned to rely and trust in what I feel and perceive within myself. I do not have the compassion I once had. It does not mean that I don't have compassion, it means that its importance has changed. Where once I felt compassion for someone who was having relationship problems, I have none. Something so minor can be worked on, death cannot. Unhappy with their job? Leave it. You have that chance to do so. Money problems? It's only money. Who knows what will change tomorrow. Few have patience to wait and see. We are a 'have to have it now, instant gratification' culture.

It is hard to live for I know that my son is dead. Each day, every second I know this truth. I know that nothing will change that, that it can't be fixed. I do not look for hope, for the only hope would be the impossible. Instead, I look for a way to keep going. I keep going to see what is around that next corner. I know it will not be him, and that is a painful truth, but something keeps me going. My love for those still with me is no small reason to live. They are the breath that makes my heart beat. They are the joy within my sorrow. I live for them, I breath because of them. I reach out for the beauty in life for there is so much out there whether it be in a child's laughter or the call of a bird. I allow the natural movement of the world to give my soul a moments ease when it is possible. I stay away from those who would keep my heart hostage to their demands. I guard, selfishly, who I am.

So much changed instantly when he died. More changed over a period of time. More still will change as time goes on. Many will come and go from my life. I accept that there are those who do not belong anymore. Death really does remove the blinders from our eyes and we feel more with our soul. I listen more to what my soul tells me than what I hear with my ears or see with my eyes. Maybe that is the rite of passage for the suffering we must endure. Death cannot be avoided, it comes for us all sooner or later. Maybe it is what we do after our loss that tells us who we are beneath the layers. Some of us will like who we find, some will not because it took the worse possible hurt to bring us out of ourselves. We will always carry this burden of loss. What we do with it is up to us, not the unknowing world.

Whether we go out in the world and try to make a difference to others or we stay inside away from everyone, it is our choice, our decision. We do not have cold hearts, we have changed hearts. We do not wallow in self-pity, we are in deep pain. We do not cling to the past, we hold it close in love and honor for those who are gone. We do not have to accept nor agree with the criticisms of others for we know why we have become who we are. We are the ones living this, not them. It is not a matter of us against them for sooner or later, we all come to this road. Most of us will put on a mask because of intolerance. We will do what we have to do, there's nothing wrong with that. We are learning to survive.