Offering Help in Your Words of Condolence

When someone dies, many people feel the need to express their condolences. It is only polite, after all. However, it’s not easy to come up with the right thing to say in such an awkward situation. It often turns the most eloquent person into a babbling annoyance who says the wrong thing at the wrong time.

One of the common platitudes that people offer is “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” They know that the offer will probably go no further and they are off the hook while still looking like the caring, thoughtful friend. For those who say this in hopes of being some help to the bereaved, they may wonder why no one took them up on the offer.

The Problem with “Let Me Help.”

The issue with such a vague statement is that the bereaved person doesn’t really know if you are sincere. Since so many people say things like this just to be nice, they can’t really be sure if you want to follow through. The other problem is the fact that they don’t know what to ask you to do to help. What would you be comfortable doing? What do they really need help with?

During times of sudden grief, the person may be feeling overwhelmed. They may think only of planning the service, dealing with immediate issues and caring for their basic needs. They may forget about all of the other things that need to be done.

How You Can State Your Desire to Help

Instead of giving a vague offer to help, be specific. Ask the person if she needs you to watch the kids while she goes to the funeral home. Offer to walk the dog or water the plants if he is going out of town. These are concrete suggestions that they can give a “yes” or “no” answer to. It may remind them of some things they have forgotten.

Another way to state your offer to help is by forming it in a statement rather than a question but with the option for the person to decline. For instance, you could say something like “I would like to bring over a casserole tomorrow evening if you will be home” or “I will bring over my lawnmower Thursday morning to mow your lawn if that won’t disturb you.” These statements show you are serious about the offer, but it still allows the person to decline.

Keep Offering

Many people receive dozens of offers to help in the first few days after a death. Those offers decline quickly until no one seems to be available anymore. If your first offer is not accepted, consider waiting a couple of weeks or month and making a new offer. You may invite the person to go for a walk or out to lunch at a time when they need it.

Remember that offering to help the bereaved should not be given unless you mean it. These offers should be specific to make it easy for the other person to accept, providing real assistance in their time of need.

Suzie Kolber is a writer at http://obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html . The site is a complete guide for someone seeking help for writing words of condolences, sympathy messages, condolence letters and funeral planning resources.